Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Could it be that I spend too much time writing about fruits? Perhaps I'm just sick of them? No... that's not it... it had to be something else.
Do you know what it was?
It was all because scientists, in their effort to impress other people, constantly refer to 'fruits' as 'the reproductive organs of plants' in their work. What's wrong with just saying 'I looked at some fruit...'. It just makes me feel dirty. Every time I eat a fruit I'm guilty of 'feasting on the reproductive organs' of innocent plants. I can almost picture myself sitting on the floor in a dark corner while I eat an orange. Geez imagine the animal equivalent! "okay honey I'm off to Ovary and Testicle City to pick up a bunch of _______" (okay I can't go on, I'll starve to death if I carry on down this road...)
No thanks. I'll stick to non reproductive organ food like t-bone steaks and... chopped liver. With pasta and cheese...
PLEASE! someone convince me otherwise.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Family day, freedom day, youth day, women's day, heritage day, workers day... We even have Monday the 10 August listed as public holiday day...
It is quite sad that all these public holidays are for humans. We need a day dedicated to the hard working animals of South Africa.
I therefore proclaim today 'SA Random Friday Farm Animal Noise Day' or... SARFFAND Day!
This one's for you guys... especially to the sheep that died so I could have a burger yesterday and the cow that waits 2 hours in a line to get milked every cold morning so that my All Bran Flakes don't feel like sandpaper etching away and hemorrhaging my bowls on the way out.
Thank you Mrs Cow for the Ice-cream, Mr Goat for the feta cheese and Mr Sheep for the lovely beanie and bedroom slippers.
Mooo! NaAaAaAaAaA! Baaaaaa!
You guys are the best. Your services to mankind are much appreciated and I hope you enjoy your eternal abode in green fields filled with at least 7 types of yummy...grass.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I occasionally get exposed the commercial crap that people listen to these days on MTV or VH1. I’ve developed a particular dislike of some artists and the banshee like qualities of the tracks they produce. I’ve compiled a list of my top 5 most annoying.
Number 5: Tied between Nickelback and Britney Spears
To me Nickelback is all that is wrong with rock music these days. These are guys that I feel make music to make money. There is no heart and soul behind their tracks. Nickelback shamelessly exploits nauseating teenagers that want to be popular with other nauseating teenagers. It’s a vicious cycle that generates lots of money and has nothing to do with music any more. If I had my way, each Nickelback band member would be tied to the bottom of a white water raft which would then be sent down some shallow rapids partially inflated.
Britney Spears is a disgrace to modern society and women in general. If you want evidence, listen to one of her songs. If you are feeling particularly brave watch the music video as well.
Number 4: John Legend
I’m convinced that this man is either a robot or a vegetable of some kind (potatoe?). He shows no emotions, has a monotone voice and all his songs are pretty much exactly the same. This would be fine if the songs were any good. Unfortunately, they are appalling. I presume they are all love songs judging from the amount of times he says ‘Stay’ and ‘Baby’. I also presume that the songs reflect on his personal life. All the girls that try to make out with him probably leave promptly after finding out they are being seduced by a humanoid vegetable. His popularity is more than likely an indication of the large number of ‘veggie people’ posing as humans out there….
Number 3: Katey Perry
I’m sure that you have all come across someone along the long road of life that immediately annoyed the hell out of you. You know that face you would single out in the crowd for a good thrashing for no particular reason. Katey Perry is one of the people that fits into this category for me. Everything about her just makes me want to barf. I honestly don’t think she is a bad person, I just can’t handle her and consequently her music. Am I the only person that feels this way?
I don’t want this post to be too long so I’m going to leave the final two most annoying for later. Try guess who they are.
Friday, May 8, 2009
I notice he is gone whenever I look at my fish tank because I guess I sort of miss the little guy (also the algae is starting to build up a bit everywhere).
So here's to you
...Mr A. Eater.
I hope that you are happily sucking away at something, considerably more pleasant than what my humble tank had to offer, in your new home where ever it may be (seriously, where do dead fish go?)
Friday, May 1, 2009
If you want to enjoy real fruit juice these days you have to buy the fresh fruit you desire. Then you have to buy a juicing device (preferably electric), mushing the fruit up with a big spoon just doesn’t work. You now need to prepare the fruit for juicing (any seeds or unwashed pieces larger than a peanut will ruin your juicing machine…
After the prejuice prep, you start getting excited.
‘Oh yeah baby, not long now. I’m not going to drink anything else till my juice is ready. Oh yeah!’
(do a little dance in the middle of the kitchen)
‘No stupid juice company is going to beat my home-made juice, oh yeah!’
You turn the juicing machine on, it wakes up all the neighbours and leaves you partially deaf.
‘No worries. My own juice, oh yeah!’
You then realize that the 2 kg bag of imported star fruit you bought only makes half a glass of juice.
‘Never mind, I’ll just fill the rest of the glass up with ice so it’ll look like a full glass and it’ll be oh so cold. It’s sure to beat that commercial crap hands down’
So 3 hours after you decided to make your own juice (and R150 out of pocket), the moment of truth arrives. You sit down on the couch, put your feet up, put the TV on, lean back and finally, slooowy reach for the 100% genuine wonder juice you created.
Teeny sip ‘yum’
Bigger sip ‘hmmm…’
SLURP! ‘…needs sugar’
(5 teaspoons of sugar later)
‘Totally worth it, oh yeah!’
And I’ve never made my own fruit juice since…