Are they legally allowed to build that

Before I start rambling, I feel that it is my duty to warn you that this post is about a car. To be precise, it’s about the new Audi S4 (yes if you are a girl and cars don’t interest you in the least you’d best just skip this one out… alternatively, if you want to earn some brownie points read on).

At this point in time I would love to harp on about performance figures 0- 100 km/h times, kilo watts, torque etc. but I don’t have a clue! My brother just phoned me out of the blue, said that he was coming to meet me and hung up. Puzzled at the lack of information I waited patiently looking out for his car. Next thing, he rocks up with the king of sports sedans and tells me to jump in… (having friends at the dealership can have its perks…)


So yeah, the performance figures (as well as I can guess from my ride):

> o-100 km/h: Instantaneous (literally, it’s just….get in, BANG! And you’re doing 100!!!)

> Torque: Plenty enough to squeeze you into the seat helplessly as you take off

> Kilo Watts: Too many of these (whatever they do…)

> Top speed: Limited to 250 km/h (I actually knew that one!) even if the speedo optimistically goes up to 300km/h

So anyway, this is my rather unique account of being a passenger in the new Audi S4 (I’m sure the driver’s story will be a bit different). The first thing I found myself thinking was “Are they legally allowed to build this?” I mean the human brain was designed to comprehend the world going by at speeds of around 4-5 km/h or average walking speeds with bursts of around 20 km/h max! Basically what I’m saying is, the normal cars we drive are already pushing us to our limits doing 120 on the N3. What were the men at Audi thinking when they decided that it was a good idea to give rich young men with small penises THIS car to drive around in? It’s clearly overkill. I was only strapped in for around 10 minutes and it was long enough for me to realize that I will NEVER buy an S4.

Let me elaborate. 10 minutes was all it took for me to feel woozy and sick. Any longer and I would have redecorated the dashboard…. Every time you take off at speed you head gets slammed into the headrest (even if you were already leaning back against it… your brain gets mashed against the back of your skull). The G-force is so intense, it feels like you are nailed to the backrest of your seat while you are accelerating, you feel… helpless… its probably the modern equivalent of being crucified. Just as you stop accelerating and start gathering the courage to glance over at the speedo (it said 140! On a short stretch between robots!) you realize that you need to stop just as quickly as you took off if you ever want to lay on beach and listen to waves crash against the shore with your eyelids calmly shut again. Then comes the negative G-force, you feel the seatbelt cut into your skin as your entire body lunges forward whilst the rest of the car stops as if you had driven into a vat of ultra sticky toffee. I’m sure I lost some more brain cells while I was thinking about death and the probability that I would ever have kids as the car braked to a halt from 140km/h to 0 km/h in what felt like less than a second. “You might as well drive your car into a tree” I thought after we stopped (it would probably feel the same…just with fewer dismembered body parts scattered over the pavement).

So yeah on the whole, If you think you are the type of person that enjoys being crucified before crashing into a tree at 140 km/h…

…then doing it over and over again without somehow dying in between…

...then the Audi S4 is the PERFECT car for you. It’s torture!

There was one good thing that came out of my experience as a passenger in an S4 though. As soon as I got home, I took the biggest friggin dump of my life! This after a day of fasting!!! I can only imagine what a good job all the insane G-forces did, squeezing the food through my GIT like every last bit of toothpaste being forced out of the tube… I probably would have shat myself had I eaten breakfast or lunch on top of that.

…Wonderful!