So today one of the students in the office came to me for advice. He looked really worried and stressed out so I said "okay, have a seat. What's on your mind?"
I thought that perhaps he wanted me to help him with his broken laptop, fixing his Mp3 player, even advice with some project work or statistical analysis. Nothing prepared me for what he said next though.
"EEbEE, I need your advice about girls..."
What the hell! I think this goes to show exactly how little some people know about me. Sure I'm happy to share my logical and unbiased opinion on any topic. This, however, complicated things somewhat. All of a sudden I found myself listening and trying to give advice to another on a subject I have ZERO experience on.
I've never had a girlfriend, it's not permitted in my culture. I will now sum up how things work in Islam to show you the normal way we go about things.
I thought that perhaps he wanted me to help him with his broken laptop, fixing his Mp3 player, even advice with some project work or statistical analysis. Nothing prepared me for what he said next though.
"EEbEE, I need your advice about girls..."
What the hell! I think this goes to show exactly how little some people know about me. Sure I'm happy to share my logical and unbiased opinion on any topic. This, however, complicated things somewhat. All of a sudden I found myself listening and trying to give advice to another on a subject I have ZERO experience on.
I've never had a girlfriend, it's not permitted in my culture. I will now sum up how things work in Islam to show you the normal way we go about things.
- Meet girl with parents (hers and yours) permission. First meeting often arranged by parents (hence 'arranged marriage').
- Check that you are not related.
- See if you are interested in each other.
- Begin courtship (talking and communication with no physical contact)
- Get engaged (now it's official, still no contact allowed).
- Get married. (the end...or beginning if you must)
- Cake, samoosas, biryani...
Steps 1-5 usually happen very quickly. Normally a month to a few months... then step 6 follows when everyone is ready (can't put a strict time limit on this but usually within a year or two at the most).
So back to my topic. This guy tells me that his girlfriend caught him chatting to another girl in his bedroom and freaked out. He swears the other girl is just a friend and they weren't going to "do anything" in any case... blah blah blah... he still is in love with her (original one) and cares for her but now she has doubts and "all the love" has kind of vanished from their relationship....or something along those lines. In any case she told him that "she needs some space" (which is code for...???) .
I tell myself "Geez EEbEE how are you going to get yourself out of this situation". I couldn't just tell him to bugger off after he opened up and told me some very personal things (this from a guy whos name I only figured out a week previously). So I did my best and gave him my two cents while at the same time trying to cover my ass in case my advice was total Codfish. This is how I advised him...
Basically I said "It sounds like she doesn't trust you any more" (stating the obvious helps sometimes, esp. when people are too drowned in emotion to see what's in front of them). "a relationship without trust won't work, you need to gain her trust back."
I warned him that I wasn't the right person to speak to about these matters and explained why and how we do things in my culture (the 7 steps above).
The next (inevitable) question followed...
"how do I get her trust back?"
I say "Be honest and tell her how you feel. *pause for thinking* You need to let her know that she can rely on you again.*pause longer for thinking* perhaps if you got the other girl, the one she caught you with, to speak to your girl and tell her that you two are really JUST FRIENDS and not in any sort of relationship. *pause for thinking* maybe you could propose to her, as a kind of solid commitment. *pause for thinking and take in his shocked expression* ...maybe just get her some nice flowers..."
I went on to cover my ass more by saying "Please don't hate me if my advice falls through, I REALLY don't have experience with this sort of thing. Just remember that your relationship has to go both ways, it's no use if you love her and she doesn't have feelings for you any more. If that is what's happening maybe you should find another girlfriend. Everyone has a right partner, fate will lead you to her. Just go with the flow."
I really did want to say "I don't know" before sending him away. I would have too if he hadn't just spilled his broken heart all over my desk. Still, let me know if what I said to the guy was at all useful, right or wrong please... perhaps I could track him down and correct myself before he does something very silly.
Otherwise allow me to say upfront. I love living in my world with easy to fix, trial and error/trouble shoot problems and a distinct lack of wierd relationship issues. Then again, maybe I'm shooting myself in the foot by avoiding situations like this. Can one ever have a relationship without complications? Whatever, I'll deal with those when/if they come around one day.
PS: I'm not going soft, it was very awkward for me to talk about that stuff. Honestly, what would you have done? This is one of the few situations I've been in that I had elements of doubt about afterwards. Hence the post...
So back to my topic. This guy tells me that his girlfriend caught him chatting to another girl in his bedroom and freaked out. He swears the other girl is just a friend and they weren't going to "do anything" in any case... blah blah blah... he still is in love with her (original one) and cares for her but now she has doubts and "all the love" has kind of vanished from their relationship....or something along those lines. In any case she told him that "she needs some space" (which is code for...???) .
I tell myself "Geez EEbEE how are you going to get yourself out of this situation". I couldn't just tell him to bugger off after he opened up and told me some very personal things (this from a guy whos name I only figured out a week previously). So I did my best and gave him my two cents while at the same time trying to cover my ass in case my advice was total Codfish. This is how I advised him...
Basically I said "It sounds like she doesn't trust you any more" (stating the obvious helps sometimes, esp. when people are too drowned in emotion to see what's in front of them). "a relationship without trust won't work, you need to gain her trust back."
I warned him that I wasn't the right person to speak to about these matters and explained why and how we do things in my culture (the 7 steps above).
The next (inevitable) question followed...
"how do I get her trust back?"
I say "Be honest and tell her how you feel. *pause for thinking* You need to let her know that she can rely on you again.*pause longer for thinking* perhaps if you got the other girl, the one she caught you with, to speak to your girl and tell her that you two are really JUST FRIENDS and not in any sort of relationship. *pause for thinking* maybe you could propose to her, as a kind of solid commitment. *pause for thinking and take in his shocked expression* ...maybe just get her some nice flowers..."
I went on to cover my ass more by saying "Please don't hate me if my advice falls through, I REALLY don't have experience with this sort of thing. Just remember that your relationship has to go both ways, it's no use if you love her and she doesn't have feelings for you any more. If that is what's happening maybe you should find another girlfriend. Everyone has a right partner, fate will lead you to her. Just go with the flow."
I really did want to say "I don't know" before sending him away. I would have too if he hadn't just spilled his broken heart all over my desk. Still, let me know if what I said to the guy was at all useful, right or wrong please... perhaps I could track him down and correct myself before he does something very silly.
Otherwise allow me to say upfront. I love living in my world with easy to fix, trial and error/trouble shoot problems and a distinct lack of wierd relationship issues. Then again, maybe I'm shooting myself in the foot by avoiding situations like this. Can one ever have a relationship without complications? Whatever, I'll deal with those when/if they come around one day.
PS: I'm not going soft, it was very awkward for me to talk about that stuff. Honestly, what would you have done? This is one of the few situations I've been in that I had elements of doubt about afterwards. Hence the post...
6 comments:
I hate this post.
I just need for someone to put my mind at ease before I delete it. Thank you in advance. Provided i get any response. otherwise in the words of Eric Cartman "screw you guys! I'm going home"
I think you did a great job. Trust, communication - those are the basics. Telling him to get married might be a bridge too far ;) I would have loved to see his face... Or hers, when he proposes (Just kidding)
You should consider starting an Aunty Eebee column on your blog (you konw, one of those where people ask you their worst questions), I think you are good at it. Albi
eebeeee! you did well honey! you didnt run away screaming! which is a TOTAL plus
how you do you feel about your own dating situation? when are you gonna get married?
(look at me, continuing the awkward questions. mwahaha)
Ha ha ha! Eeb's relax, you did good! Apart from the proposal part... ;) Overall, I think that was some pretty sound advice! Fear not!
I'm impressed! When did you learn tact?
Oh thank goodness!
I guess I will not have to chase up on him then.
After looking at the poor guys face I quickly realised that the marriage proposal thing was not the way to go (also reminded me how out of my depth I was...). Still I wish I had taken a photo of his face, priceless! His eyes nearly popped out of their sockets!
Say I could call that column "EEbEEs eye-popping advice" (not too sure about the 'Aunty' bit so I left it out).
As for my personal love life... it's quite simple. I'm still doing step one on that list. Just havn't found anyone yet. This doesn't bother me in the least though. When I finally do find someone you can be assured that will NOT blog about it (some things should not be shared...).
(That was tact then... Awesome! I have finally acquired some)
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