Of Wheelbarrows and Spades

Chores… the word strikes at the heart of every prepubescent in every household. Parents say that chores build character and yes, I agree 100%, but there are times when chores seem awfully close to child labour. And since, as a kid, I hardly ever got paid for doing chores it was even closer to child slavery!

Honestly, how many kids can say that their character and morals were built on a solid foundation of SLAVERY! Now THAT’S real character building. It didn’t just happen at home, it happened at school as well. When I think back, our little school out in the styx took just as much advantage of us than our parents did. Mr Terry, wielding a referees whistle while prancing around in his overly conspicuous short shorts would order us about. “Mow that grass!” “Rake them fields!” “Cut those brambles!” “Fill those potholes!” “Paint those lines!” we even built and mended the school picket fences in our so called ‘woodwork’ classes.

When we got home from school yet more chores awaited us. It didn’t matter that we had a domestic worker, we still had to mow the lawn, prune the trees, wash the cars, clean the house, cook some food, wash the dishes, wax and polish the floors, vacuum the carpets, do our homework… and my pet hate… Pick up the dog shit! Yes on top of the list of ‘crappiest chores’ was crap itself. It was wonderful having three Rhodesian Ridgebacks in our ample yard. Less wonderful, however, was having to clean up after them… my cousin or brother and I would have to do this chore as a team. One would brandish a spade whilst the other would follow closely with the old orange wheel barrow. It’s difficult to say which one I enjoyed doing more… or less to be honest (so so difficult to favour either shoveling excrement or carting excrement… nope, still can’t decide.

To add insult to injury, our dogs were fed the cheapest dog food on the market. Y’know the stuff that contains 95% bulk and 5% nutrition (we knew this then because it looked the same going in as did it coming out, had pretty much the same texture and I swear the same quantity). This was the dog food you could only buy in 50kg hessian sacks. I felt sorry for our dogs sometimes, the diet gave them a ton of gas. I can say with quite a large amount of confidence that these dogs farted more than they barked (and they barked at pretty much everything and everyone!).

In any case, I spotted one of our dogs taking a dump on our lawn today and it made me think about the ol’ wheelbarrow and spade routine. I thought to myself “EEbEE, you’re a scientist… think of something that could make that Satan spawn chore a bit easier”. Then it hit me, like a sack of… well you know…. The answer was so simple and so effective. I called it the “Poo Auger”. The doodle below illustrates my geniusness!!!

See!!! The poo just gets buried where it lies. Not only is it easier than shoveling and carting but you also end up fertilizing the lawn! You can even take your “Poo Auger™” camping so you can easily hide all evidence of that boskak you took after eating bad potjie. I will be taking bulk orders for the “Poo Auger™” order 10 or more and get a free 2ply camping toilet roll dispenser!

So back to the chores, I’d hate for everyone to think that I was tortured as a kid so I’m going to come clean. The chores didn’t actually take much of our leisure time or even effort come to think of it… it’s just that we HAD to complain bitterly when we got chores. This was purely to avoid being given more chores... I’m sure our parents would have piled on the work if we showed any signs of enjoyment while doing those things “EEbEE enjoys mowing the lawn, he should do it more often”.

All I can say is that when my own kids are growing up, they will each get a shovel and wheelbarrow set on their 6^th birthdays (or should I make it 5^th?).

The tool of questionable use

I don't mean to brag but...my fingers are sooo smart. They made an amazing invention while I was reading pdfs the other day. I didn’t even realize till I had finished off the last pdf. I exited the article and looked in my hands to find this amazingly intricate piece of equipment.

It is a piece of plastic straw about 70 mm long with a tiny angled hole at the base about 10 mm up. A paperclip has been expertly guilded to fit the inside of the straw without slipping out. The top 30mm of the paperclip protrude from the straw and angle at 90 degrees to form a sort of pointy bit… On closer inspection one notices a staple wrapped around the base of the protruding end of the paperclip with yet another pointy bit facing the opposite direction to the first… pointy bit.

You may be asking yourself ‘What does it do…?’ about now yes? Well, to be perfectly honest, I haven’t a clue. I’m trying to figure it out and so far it’s quite handy for pressing the reset button on my calculator and Mp3 player. It’s also pretty good at unjamming my fishtank filter after it gets clogged and if I cover the one end whilst blowing down the other it’s a high pitched whistle. I’m not really happy with any of these functions though, it looks like it this thing has some higher purpose on this planet. Hopefully someone will come across my blog, see the picture and description and say ‘THAT’S IT! I’VE FINALLY FOUND THE PERFECT xxxINATOR…!!!’ then I become a famous inventor and retire to a mountain village surrounded by peaceful monks.

In the mean time, I’ll stash it somewhere inconspicuous.

Before you say ‘It probably does nothing.’ or ‘EEbEE has invented something that won’t work’ just look the idea of a helicopter that wouldn’t work, below. As I recall, it made its inventor quite famous… (amazing paintings aside…).

The ‘D’ word

What’s the deal with women and dieting!

It frustrates me sometimes. You see I share an office with several humans of the female persuasion and witness their strange obsession with ritualistic dieting almost on a daily basis.

You see, I’m the kind of guy that likes to snack while I work. Slowly munching on a choc chip cookie or nibbling on some murku (crunchy deep fried Indian snack made with chickpea flour) while working allows me to focus for longer periods of time and avoid being distracted by the internet or mindless background office chatter. I’m also the kind of guy that doesn’t like to eat alone. Eating isn’t just the process of shoving food down ones throat to meet energetic needs (although one would get this picture from reading my thesis…). For me it is a positive stimulus, an explosion of flavours and textures that tickles my senses and changes my mindset and mood depending on what it is that I’m eating. If something tastes great I feel good on a number of levels and wish to share this same experience with the people around me. This has transformed eating into a bit of a social activity in my life. Needless to say, when I snack, I always offer everyone.

90% of the time the response or implied response from most of my female office mates is ‘NO! -that will make me fat/-keep me from getting thin’ (the other 10% ‘Yes’ reply is reserved for those occasions when I happen to be offering chocolate). I feel that ritualistic dieting completely destroys the wonderful aspect of life that is eating.

I had a discussion about dieting with a mate the other day. My argument was that it is pointless dieting if fate has already decided if you are going to be fat or not… just go with the flow and you’ll be happiest. He countered by saying that fate (if you believe in it) in that case would already have decided who will diet and who will not. To which I responded ‘…um…yeah…’.

I still feel a certain amount of pity for people on diets and to make myself feel better I have come up with the perfect solution.

(In my best Verimark-man voice)

“No longer will dieters ever have to be deprived of the joy of eating. Ladies around the world and gentlemen that use skin products I give you the ‘Poopchute actuator 5000’ (Figure 1).”

Figure 1: The PA5000 Miracle diet cure is an implanted

duct made from biodegradable PVC.

“With the PA5000 you can eat as much as you like and not gain weight! Simply flick a switch to divert unwanted food away from your digestive system at the oesopagus. You will chew, taste, feel and even swallow your meal in the normal way but all of the food will go right through to your anus without being absorbed in between.”

“If you decide to eat some broccoli after those 8 cheeseburgers all you have to do is flick the switch again and your body will return to normal and absorb all of natural goodness of the broccoli while simply letting the cheeseburger pass through. You may ask yourself ‘what about all of the wasted food?’. Do I have some great news for you!!! Call now and you will receive a free Faecapelletinator 5000! You can use the FP5000 to turn the cheeseburgers into handy 2cm cubed pellets which you can feed to your cat or some poor people. They are perfectly hygienic and packed with carbs and calories”

Phone now toll free on 0800 PA5000.