EEbEE watches a diet show

(Please note I have no issues with people that are over-weight. I happen to be very attached to my own chubb (it’s warm in winter and soft to land on…so there). Don’t take any offense if I come across as a bit blunt or insensitive, I don’t know any other way to be honest)

THE POST~

I Ebrahim Ally, sat down and watched a whole episode of some weight loss program on BBC lifestyle (I can’t remember the title). Before anyone starts jumping to conclusions, I must state that it was the weekend, I was in couch potatoe mode and there was absolutely NOTHING else to watch on DSTV.

Now that I have defended my decision let me post about my experience (or at least as well as I can remember it).

*click*

“Welcome to BBC lifestyle, next up, Sandy and Kim help overweight women loose the pounds in ________”

Although a more accurate announcement of the program would have been…

“Welcome to BBC lifestyle, next up, some fat lady is reminded about how ugly she looks and that she is going to die a horrible painful death by two thin ladies that are under the impression that they are increasing her self esteem while simultaneously starving her and prodding her in front of a camera”

Be honest, you’d rather watch the second one right… we all have evil tendencies, just fess up and you’ll feel better.

So let me get back to the program.

It starts off with these two skinny ladies staring in disbelief at another lady (‘fat one’ from here on) that weighs 20 stone or something (however much that is… Ohh I worked it out 1 stone = 6.35 kg therefore 127 kg). In any case the fat one is asked a series of questions to find out about her history, eating habits, exercise levels…. So anyways one of the questions they asked her was.

‘How often do you take a dump?’

To which fat one replied in a quite voice

‘twice a month.’

Followed by awkward silence from Kim and Sandy (and probably all the viewers…I know I was pretty amazed). In any case the skinny ladies decided to make a little model to illustrate what not pooping in two weeks does to your insides. She gets a pigs GIT, fills it up with food and keeps stuffing more and more in there without letting any come out. This thing is left for two weeks and then they go back to see what happened. One of the skinny ones starts pulling this crap out of the pigs rectum with her bare hands and waves it at the fat one saying

“See! See what happens when you don’t take a dump in two weeks! This is the same thing that’s happening inside you right now!”

To which the fat one replies

“!!!”

I mean seriously! If she did that with a regular persons crap it would have had the same effect. Any hysterical woman waving lumps of faecal matter in your face with her bare hands would illicit a shocked response (for all the wrong reasons of course…).

So I braved it out to see what else these ‘diet guru’s’ had in store for the fat one. They spent like 90% of the show talking about poo and bowel action. How the hell can someone speak so long about butt cigars! They went on and on…
The other 10% of the show basically involved the skinny ones prodding the fat one in the stomach and telling her to run more.
At the end of the show the skinny ones return to the fat one a month later to see how the recommended lifestyle changes have altered her …life (and bowel action) for the better. The fat one grins and says with sincerity

“Thank you Sandy and Kim, I sometimes go for a crap twice a day now after following your advice!”

Which was followed by applause, tears and hugging… or was it tears, hugging then applause? Whatever...

I just found it ridiculous and funny for some reason. Is this normal behaviour for women? I knew they tended to be more sensitive then men, guess I’m a bit confused because guys would never become emotional and start crying about something like bowel action.

I think I will avoid programs of this nature in the future. They undermine people that are different. I personally think every adult has got the brains to know exactly why they are what they are. The people on these shows were probably already comfortable and happy before the crazy nutter came along and waved crap in their faces to make them feel awkward and want to change into something they are not…. So some people are fat, who says you can’t be fat and happy at the same time? Sure you’ll live a shorter life but as I recall, Dennis Leary once said re smoking

“the last ten year of an old persons life are crap in any case, die before you have to return to diapers” or something along those lines.

The ‘D’ word

What’s the deal with women and dieting!

It frustrates me sometimes. You see I share an office with several humans of the female persuasion and witness their strange obsession with ritualistic dieting almost on a daily basis.

You see, I’m the kind of guy that likes to snack while I work. Slowly munching on a choc chip cookie or nibbling on some murku (crunchy deep fried Indian snack made with chickpea flour) while working allows me to focus for longer periods of time and avoid being distracted by the internet or mindless background office chatter. I’m also the kind of guy that doesn’t like to eat alone. Eating isn’t just the process of shoving food down ones throat to meet energetic needs (although one would get this picture from reading my thesis…). For me it is a positive stimulus, an explosion of flavours and textures that tickles my senses and changes my mindset and mood depending on what it is that I’m eating. If something tastes great I feel good on a number of levels and wish to share this same experience with the people around me. This has transformed eating into a bit of a social activity in my life. Needless to say, when I snack, I always offer everyone.

90% of the time the response or implied response from most of my female office mates is ‘NO! -that will make me fat/-keep me from getting thin’ (the other 10% ‘Yes’ reply is reserved for those occasions when I happen to be offering chocolate). I feel that ritualistic dieting completely destroys the wonderful aspect of life that is eating.

I had a discussion about dieting with a mate the other day. My argument was that it is pointless dieting if fate has already decided if you are going to be fat or not… just go with the flow and you’ll be happiest. He countered by saying that fate (if you believe in it) in that case would already have decided who will diet and who will not. To which I responded ‘…um…yeah…’.

I still feel a certain amount of pity for people on diets and to make myself feel better I have come up with the perfect solution.

(In my best Verimark-man voice)

“No longer will dieters ever have to be deprived of the joy of eating. Ladies around the world and gentlemen that use skin products I give you the ‘Poopchute actuator 5000’ (Figure 1).”

Figure 1: The PA5000 Miracle diet cure is an implanted

duct made from biodegradable PVC.

“With the PA5000 you can eat as much as you like and not gain weight! Simply flick a switch to divert unwanted food away from your digestive system at the oesopagus. You will chew, taste, feel and even swallow your meal in the normal way but all of the food will go right through to your anus without being absorbed in between.”

“If you decide to eat some broccoli after those 8 cheeseburgers all you have to do is flick the switch again and your body will return to normal and absorb all of natural goodness of the broccoli while simply letting the cheeseburger pass through. You may ask yourself ‘what about all of the wasted food?’. Do I have some great news for you!!! Call now and you will receive a free Faecapelletinator 5000! You can use the FP5000 to turn the cheeseburgers into handy 2cm cubed pellets which you can feed to your cat or some poor people. They are perfectly hygienic and packed with carbs and calories”

Phone now toll free on 0800 PA5000.