The ‘D’ word

What’s the deal with women and dieting!

It frustrates me sometimes. You see I share an office with several humans of the female persuasion and witness their strange obsession with ritualistic dieting almost on a daily basis.

You see, I’m the kind of guy that likes to snack while I work. Slowly munching on a choc chip cookie or nibbling on some murku (crunchy deep fried Indian snack made with chickpea flour) while working allows me to focus for longer periods of time and avoid being distracted by the internet or mindless background office chatter. I’m also the kind of guy that doesn’t like to eat alone. Eating isn’t just the process of shoving food down ones throat to meet energetic needs (although one would get this picture from reading my thesis…). For me it is a positive stimulus, an explosion of flavours and textures that tickles my senses and changes my mindset and mood depending on what it is that I’m eating. If something tastes great I feel good on a number of levels and wish to share this same experience with the people around me. This has transformed eating into a bit of a social activity in my life. Needless to say, when I snack, I always offer everyone.

90% of the time the response or implied response from most of my female office mates is ‘NO! -that will make me fat/-keep me from getting thin’ (the other 10% ‘Yes’ reply is reserved for those occasions when I happen to be offering chocolate). I feel that ritualistic dieting completely destroys the wonderful aspect of life that is eating.

I had a discussion about dieting with a mate the other day. My argument was that it is pointless dieting if fate has already decided if you are going to be fat or not… just go with the flow and you’ll be happiest. He countered by saying that fate (if you believe in it) in that case would already have decided who will diet and who will not. To which I responded ‘…um…yeah…’.

I still feel a certain amount of pity for people on diets and to make myself feel better I have come up with the perfect solution.

(In my best Verimark-man voice)

“No longer will dieters ever have to be deprived of the joy of eating. Ladies around the world and gentlemen that use skin products I give you the ‘Poopchute actuator 5000’ (Figure 1).”

Figure 1: The PA5000 Miracle diet cure is an implanted

duct made from biodegradable PVC.

“With the PA5000 you can eat as much as you like and not gain weight! Simply flick a switch to divert unwanted food away from your digestive system at the oesopagus. You will chew, taste, feel and even swallow your meal in the normal way but all of the food will go right through to your anus without being absorbed in between.”

“If you decide to eat some broccoli after those 8 cheeseburgers all you have to do is flick the switch again and your body will return to normal and absorb all of natural goodness of the broccoli while simply letting the cheeseburger pass through. You may ask yourself ‘what about all of the wasted food?’. Do I have some great news for you!!! Call now and you will receive a free Faecapelletinator 5000! You can use the FP5000 to turn the cheeseburgers into handy 2cm cubed pellets which you can feed to your cat or some poor people. They are perfectly hygienic and packed with carbs and calories”

Phone now toll free on 0800 PA5000.