So what’s the deal with donkey and dragon?

I always thought the makers of Shrek went a step too far when they thought it would be a good idea for donkey to get it on with dragon. Reptiles and mammals, eggs and fur, massive and tiny no No NO that will never do. People say all babies are cute but the mutant spawn created by the pairing of a donkey and dragon are most definitely not. Every time I see them I find myself waiting for the scene to end. You may be thinking “Geez EEbEE take it easy, it’s just a fantasy movie getting some laughs. Give it a break!” after listening to my initial rant. Bear with me, there is a point to all of this…

Honestly!?

…and here it is!>>> I honestly think that some things should be left alone and not turned into a cheap love story. The good writers know when to stop; J.R.R. Tolkien for example, didn’t see a need for a Mrs Gollum! So many good stories/episodes/series have been utterly ruined by these canned bean romances.

Harry Potter, I don’t care which girl Harry hooks up with and how they struggle to admit they love each other because they are young and innocent… just friggin point your wand at random shit and say funny made up words that make them spontaneously combust. Okay, that isn’t a riveting plot but it would sure as hell make for more interesting reading than Harry blushing and running away every time he sees a girl he likes!

The Big Bang Theory was the biggest let down. Here was a show that got laughs the clever way in season 1 and half of season 2. After that it just became a soapy about tactics nerds use to get laid. Currently I would estimate that around 95 percent of the humour is the same old “…that’s what she said” crap you can find on Hanging with Mr Cooper. They even found Sheldon Cooper a ‘girlfriend’! WTF! He was the only reason I still watched the show and now he too has a cheap, meaningless and humorless relationship with a secondary character.

House and Cuddy should never have hooked up in the first place. The episodes they are together are too wet to be classified as part of the series. For the first time since the series began, Wilson was funnier than House! Save the background love story for Dr Chase (sp?) isn’t that what the guy is for?

(I could easily go on but each new example urges me to delete everything on my hard drive.)

Seeing as I consider myself a fair guy, I will now dispense advice on how to rectify the cheap love story disease plaguing television of today (only assholes complain all the time without suggesting a solution).>>> I realise that writers are put under tremendous pressure to produce shows that are interesting, original, funny… and that after 15 episodes their imaginations are exhausted. Instead of turning towards the path of soppyness I implore them to watch some Japanese anime. There is something about those manga/anime dudes, they have the formula for a great show. Just the right proportions of humour, violence…romance to keep you glued to the show. I’m not one for soppy love stories (would you have guessed?) but anime has showed me that there is a time and a place for everything. Aweful, uninspired writers should get off their lazy arses and stop taking advantage of loyal fans. They should learn how to keep ratings up by providing good quality shows as opposed to milking inappropriate themes and getting away with it because walkover fans simply want to get their weekly fix of series X for routine sake. Screw that!

EEbEE watches a diet show

(Please note I have no issues with people that are over-weight. I happen to be very attached to my own chubb (it’s warm in winter and soft to land on…so there). Don’t take any offense if I come across as a bit blunt or insensitive, I don’t know any other way to be honest)

THE POST~

I Ebrahim Ally, sat down and watched a whole episode of some weight loss program on BBC lifestyle (I can’t remember the title). Before anyone starts jumping to conclusions, I must state that it was the weekend, I was in couch potatoe mode and there was absolutely NOTHING else to watch on DSTV.

Now that I have defended my decision let me post about my experience (or at least as well as I can remember it).

*click*

“Welcome to BBC lifestyle, next up, Sandy and Kim help overweight women loose the pounds in ________”

Although a more accurate announcement of the program would have been…

“Welcome to BBC lifestyle, next up, some fat lady is reminded about how ugly she looks and that she is going to die a horrible painful death by two thin ladies that are under the impression that they are increasing her self esteem while simultaneously starving her and prodding her in front of a camera”

Be honest, you’d rather watch the second one right… we all have evil tendencies, just fess up and you’ll feel better.

So let me get back to the program.

It starts off with these two skinny ladies staring in disbelief at another lady (‘fat one’ from here on) that weighs 20 stone or something (however much that is… Ohh I worked it out 1 stone = 6.35 kg therefore 127 kg). In any case the fat one is asked a series of questions to find out about her history, eating habits, exercise levels…. So anyways one of the questions they asked her was.

‘How often do you take a dump?’

To which fat one replied in a quite voice

‘twice a month.’

Followed by awkward silence from Kim and Sandy (and probably all the viewers…I know I was pretty amazed). In any case the skinny ladies decided to make a little model to illustrate what not pooping in two weeks does to your insides. She gets a pigs GIT, fills it up with food and keeps stuffing more and more in there without letting any come out. This thing is left for two weeks and then they go back to see what happened. One of the skinny ones starts pulling this crap out of the pigs rectum with her bare hands and waves it at the fat one saying

“See! See what happens when you don’t take a dump in two weeks! This is the same thing that’s happening inside you right now!”

To which the fat one replies

“!!!”

I mean seriously! If she did that with a regular persons crap it would have had the same effect. Any hysterical woman waving lumps of faecal matter in your face with her bare hands would illicit a shocked response (for all the wrong reasons of course…).

So I braved it out to see what else these ‘diet guru’s’ had in store for the fat one. They spent like 90% of the show talking about poo and bowel action. How the hell can someone speak so long about butt cigars! They went on and on…
The other 10% of the show basically involved the skinny ones prodding the fat one in the stomach and telling her to run more.
At the end of the show the skinny ones return to the fat one a month later to see how the recommended lifestyle changes have altered her …life (and bowel action) for the better. The fat one grins and says with sincerity

“Thank you Sandy and Kim, I sometimes go for a crap twice a day now after following your advice!”

Which was followed by applause, tears and hugging… or was it tears, hugging then applause? Whatever...

I just found it ridiculous and funny for some reason. Is this normal behaviour for women? I knew they tended to be more sensitive then men, guess I’m a bit confused because guys would never become emotional and start crying about something like bowel action.

I think I will avoid programs of this nature in the future. They undermine people that are different. I personally think every adult has got the brains to know exactly why they are what they are. The people on these shows were probably already comfortable and happy before the crazy nutter came along and waved crap in their faces to make them feel awkward and want to change into something they are not…. So some people are fat, who says you can’t be fat and happy at the same time? Sure you’ll live a shorter life but as I recall, Dennis Leary once said re smoking

“the last ten year of an old persons life are crap in any case, die before you have to return to diapers” or something along those lines.