How to solve the rhino horn saga

It being Rhino Day and all...

You think you are living in a modern world, a world where people are finally beginning to understand the way things work. Using science, logic and technological advances to solve problems is the norm.

No it isn't.

Some crazy backward bastards go and ruin everything by believing that a rhinos horn has medicinal value! According to 16th century pharmacists (yes, 16th century!!!) the magical horn is said to treat fever, rheumatism, gout, snake bites, hallucinations, typhoid, headaches, carbuncles, vomiting, food poisoning, libido, being possessed by the devil... but rhino horn does none of these things. These people may as well treat their condition by eating their own hair and nail clippings. Heck they may as well drink a glass of water, it's far more useful medicinally.

Thereafter, a group of even crazier money hungry sods go and harvest horns from live animals to meet the demand. A win win situation? I think not! Armed with aforementioned technological advances, poachers have become devastatingly efficient at harvesting horns. Rhino numbers are declining and so on and so forth...

THE SOLUTION

Okay it's pretty easy and I can't imagine why it hasn't been tried yet. You see the horn has tremendous value, it must have if poachers are able to form well organised armed teams in helicopters (!!!) to harvest a few (dozen maybe) horns a month at the most. Horns are also very scarce which drives their value up, this is logical. So what if...(let me put this into perspective)... what if authorities were to flood the market with fake rhino horn. If it is traditionally dispensed in a powder form simply drown the black market in fake product (it'll be just as effective, medicinally, as the real stuff).

1. Brainless customers will be happy because they could get their product cheaply.
   
2. Poachers would stop hacking rhinos to bits because selling chickens wings on the black market would be far more profitable
3. Rhino extinction probabilities would be reduced significantly
4. Hippies would stop their endless moaning on the subject (they'd find something else but we can be happy in between complaints)
   

Yet another milestone crumbles

Today I plumbed for the first time! So there I was, I had just flushed the toilet (a half flush for number ones…) and the cistern normally takes a few seconds to fill up again. I noticed that today the thing just carried on filling. So I jiggled it… the cistern handle, hoping that the plunger thingy had just got stuck open or something, before leaving. On my return there was the sound of the old cistern STILL filling up. Now I knew I had to get my hands dirty (not literally) or admit defeat and phone a plumber.

“Hah! What kind of a scientist can’t figure out and repair a simple flushing mechanism after all” I said to myself.

I rolled up my sleeves opened the cistern lid and peeked inside.

*sniff sniff* nope, not smelly… clean water, therefore no gloves needed. I noticed that when I flushed the floaty orange ball thingy didn’t go down. So I prodded it before it decided to simply fall off…metal bar and everything.

“Oh Shite!” I thought I would have to get a plumber now for sure. No wait, “What kind of a scientist can’t figure out and repair a simple flushing mechanism after all” I said to myself (again). I proceeded to try refit the old ball and bar to the toilet tap valve thingy.

Up

Down

Left

Right

Bit more force…

No luck

Call a plumber…?

NEVER!!!

So I decided to screw off the orange ball bit to be able to get more of an angle. I slotted the old bar right into place, screwed the ball back on and Bob’s your uncle she was working fine just fine. I even wanted to take a picture of this wonderful occasion “my first (successful) plumb” I wanted to entitle it. Then I thought, “Why would anyone want to see a photo of me with my hands in a toilet cistern, that’s just silly”. So instead I’m awarding myself a badge.

Milestones reached: Heroic Flatulence

(Warning! This post is about farts. Read at own risk.)

I don't know much about how people go about their daily lives, what motivates them, keeps them from kick starting a chainsaw and going on a blood rampage... that sort of thing. Milestones are the ticket for me. You see I have these seemingly pointless goals I randomly set for myself. I don't get carried away with them, in fact some of my pointless milestones are only added to the list after I've done them, kind of:

"Oh that was unique and fun! I should add it to my completed milestones list"

You see it's my list, so I make the rules as I go along (feel the power HAHAHAAAAA!!!). So back to the point of this post. I just ticked off a milestone today. Many people (most of them of the female persuasion) think farts are disgusting and should be kept private (sound, vibration, olfaction...the works). I'm not saying that I enjoy any of these things, I just believe that humans need to fart just like we need to breath. Why all the fuss over flatulence? It's a natural and beautiful process... well, when I say beautiful I refer to the ensuing relief. In any case my milestone was to accomplish something useful with flatulence.

I got more than I bargained for today when my sister came into my room to have a chat (we often have these long chats about nothing in particular). Today was different, I had just let one off before she walked into my room. I gave the usual (frantic) hand signals to warn her and she promptly screwed up her face and left after saying, "I thought there was something funky in the air..." or something along those lines. In any case her planned path was now diverted though the kitchens 'safe zone' where she spotted our rechargable torch catch alight on the table.

"EEbEE, THERE'S A FIRE IN THE KITCHEN!!!!"

I run to the kitchen and unplug the torch before the fire has a chance to explode into a raging inferno engulfing our house and possibly the ENTIRE TOWN (...hey, it could've happened). I therefore declare my farts, not only useful, but Heroic!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find some unique way to sign an autograph...