Supermarket Detective Agency

There I was, minding my own business in the local supermarket. I grabbed a trolley, you know, one of those miniature ones designed to carry baskets for lazy people who refuse to use basket handles… in any case I proceeded in my usual manner, making my way to household cleaners (before shelf food items and then finally fridge/freezer items… if you don’t do this you are weird, so there). I should mention that things were not going so well for me this day as I had accumulated quite a lot of common cold symptoms. To be more specific; groggy voice, coughing and sputtering, red droopy eyes and a snotty nose to top it all off (just keep that wonderful image of me in your mind for now).

Back to the story, I had already placed an item or two into my trolley before I decided to make a quick trolley-less dash into a crowded isle to pick up some soap. I legged it through the masses of smelly obese ladies buying beauty products to the soap section hauled a couple bars of Protex into my arms and legged it back through the ambulating wall of lard. When I emerged (unscathed) I was greeted by an empty space where my trolley once stood.

GONE!?

What…? Where could it…? WHO TOOK IT!?

It had only been a few seconds, a half minute at the most. The rational thing to do would be to go back to the trolley section fetch another one, reselect taken items and get over it. Alas, my mind was not of a rational state at the time and my thoughts followed this path instead:

“The Bastard! I don’t want to have to get another trolley! Why should I? I distinctly remember putting a green basket at the top and a black one at the bottom, I can find this trolley snatcher and get my vehicle back! They can’t have gone very far and they will only have gathered a few items (if any) in the interim.”

I scan my surrounding through red eyes (how about that one…) before:

“There! Old lady pushing identical trolley with few items at 3 o’clock!”

I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t even think twice before walking up to her and asking her to return my trolley. I tried to sound friendly but my voice let me down and I ended up growling out a statement punctuated falsely by involuntary coughing.

“So *cough-cough* You’re the *cough* lady who *sputter-cough* took my *swallow phlegm* trolley!” I said, trying to smile after her eyes greeted me with some confusion and a bit of fear I guess.

“No.” says the old lady softly “I got mine from the front, but you can take one of my baskets. I’m checking out now”

I coughed my way though an apology before humbly (or at least as humble as a deranged coughing, snotty, psycho with a trolley fetish can possibly appear) accepting the offer and taking an unused basket from her. As I walked away, thoroughly embarrassed and ashamed, I spotted ANOTHER trolley that looked exactly like mine. Like an eagle fixing its gaze on potential prey from a distance, I locked onto to the trolleys driver (pusher?). An unattractive pudgy middle aged woman seemed a likely suspect for trolley theft as dastardly as had befallen me, especially so as she was wearing clothes that were at least 2-3 sizes too small for her (YUCK!). Only someone too lazy to carefully select proper clothes sizes so they can be comfortable would stoop so low as to steal someone else’s trolley to save a few measly seconds at the trolley stand!

I homed in on her and said “Hey! You took my *cough-cough* trolley, I was using that.” I was so sure! She looked at me, shook her head and said “No, I got this from the front”. Deflated, I apologized and decided to give up.

So, so sure… she MUST have been lying.

People I fail to get along with

I've met so many people who think like this. I usually pick it up after one or two in depth conversations. These people probably never perceive themselves in this way. It's a sad life in which the closest friend they can keep is their own reflection in the mirror. This however, doesn't seem to bother them in the least...

If, perchance, I too fall under this category please tell me so I can perform brain surgery on myself crossing fingers that I will lop off the right portion and become a worthy human being again.

In case you were wondering, this is just a general post aimed at finding out if I am (have become) what I hate. If you think you know who I am leave an honest comment (I can take it !!! *crushes an empty appletiser can onto his forehead*)

Have humans peaked as a species?

Having recently refreshed some Natural Selection theory, I started wondering about how humans fitted into the whole big picture. You see there are basic rules to the process of natural selection. Let me summarize:

Natural selection is effectively the recognized process by which living organisms on a species level are able to improve and optimize traits they posses to allow them to be more competitive both with other species and their own kind. This kind of specialization and adaptation doesn’t simply happen; it requires a particular set of circumstances to initiate and develop into something that translates into a physical/behavioural change that increases an individual’s fitness. I’ve listed the particular set of circumstances below:

1. Variation – change cannot happen unless there is some sort of background variation between individuals (outliers kick ass…)
2. Fitness consequences - that background variation needs to give some individuals the edge over others (never complain about life being unfair).
3. Inheritance - a favourable trait must be passed on to the next generation to be of any use (don’t keep secrets).
4. Limiting resources – basically you can’t win if you don’t have anything to fight for (so the ideal world is one where we are running out of everything… who’d have thought).

We often perceive ourselves (humans) as the most influential living force on the planet. Quite a naïve view considering the only real power we have is an amazing ability to wipe out all life on Earth in the space of a few hours... It doesn’t take a genius to realize that our lifestyles at the moment are not sustainable. In order to restore some form of balance we could use a healthy shot of natural selection…

…Or couldn’t we?

Let us see how humans fare under those ideal natural selection circumstances mentioned above:

1. Variation - I think it’s fair to say that humans are quite diverse. As long as there is room on this planet for people like Steven Hawking and Julius Malema or Sarah McLachlan and Lady Gaga… I’ll give this a YES, MOST DEFINITELY (consider them opposite sides of the scale).
2. Fitness consequences – Hmmm, a tricky one considering basic human rights and upholding those rights (ahaha!)… Theoretically we should all be on par with regards to fitness consequences. Of course in an equal society some are always more equal than others. Then again, there is always the pattern suggesting that lower class society tend to have more children compared to middle/upper class society. In terms of natural selection, these should be the individuals with lower fitness that should be weeded out. In fact modern advances in health care have provided our unfit individuals ample opportunities to continue existing (it would be rather immoral to castrate all men before administering diabetes treatment or having mandatory hormone replacement therapy for women without 20/20 vision). Fitness consequences could theoretically work in human populations, I’m not too sure the whole “live your life but don’t have kids” idea will appeal to the flawed masses. Of course we could just as easily create a super race by starting an Olympian breeding program…just a thought.
3. Inheritance – I’m pretty sure we can once again blame modern health care for giving flawed humans more opportunities to breed than are absolutely necessary. This unfortunately leads to a future wherein the majority of humans rely more and more on artificial means of survival. Are we cultivating a future society of medicated wieners? Perhaps, we are already at that stage…
4. Limiting resources – I don’t think we have a problem here. Humans will fight over something as trivial as a rugby ball. We are so trigger happy that we will even go to war over petty meaningless speculation. People are rarely happy with what they have these days so the successful pursuit of wealth and material could be an excellent way to develop traits. Wait they have a word for that, it’s called capitalism.

The Verdict!!!

Humans are nature’s rebels. We are perfectly aware of and acknowledge the existence of natural selection yet we do all in our power to avoid the process. One could argue that if we want to do what is best for our species in terms of sustainability and improvement over generations, we would need to do quite a lot of unethical weeding or immoral rule implementation w.r.t. breeding. On the other hand, if we continue down the path we are currently on, we will more than likely end up a society constructed from a bunch of materialistic, capitalist, idiot druggies…

…so there

The problem with New Years

So here we are, the beginning of the year 2010. I just can’t believe that it has already been 10 years since this…

So all the crazy ‘end of the world’ folk have moved their apocalypse date to 2012 because some stupid Mayan (or was it Inca?) calendar carved out of stone by an ancient man (who also had a thing for throwing people off the edges of pyramids, putting large bones up his nose and castrating Portuguese explorers with blunt instruments…) who didn’t bother to carve dates beyond 2012 because his wrist got sore and nobody really cared back then in any case…

No, the end of the world is coming but not yet (we still have a good 200 years or so). Besides, with all the dosh being invested into finding another planet for us to colonise as opposed to, …I don’t know, FIXING THE ONE WE ALREADY HAVE! We are sure to be right as rain to simply pick up and leave when the shite hits the fan (HAH! FAGS! Who do they think they are fooling… honestly!?).

Enough ranting about the change of years... It really doesn’t mean a thing at all. Just another opportunity for people to celebrate… because people get bored with the olde ‘eat, work, shit and sleep’ schedule, they feel the need to do something different. Breaking the monotony of a working class life probably does wonders to maintaining ones sanity. New Years is a great way for the average person to recharge them batteries and be optimistic about the future. Make that resolution, strive to improve yourself and become what you always wanted to be.

It’s sad in a way, I get the impression that people only have this outlook on life on New Years eve and the 1^st of Jan before it’s back to the old… ”screw it I’m happy with things the way they were” school of thought. People should treat every day as New Years day (no I don’t mean get pissed and stab someone with a broken bottle before being stopped by the cops and booked for being over the limit on your way home), they should wake up EVERY morning and make new resolutions, then stick to those resolutions because every day is just as important and filled with potential as the last. You can’t just lump 365 days together in a year then pretend as if one year was better or worse than the last! That’s like liquidizing an entire gourmet 5 course meal before eating it then saying it tasted like puke and asking for your money back (did that make sense just then…? Oh well, it did to me.).

My point remains nevertheless, anyone who looks forward to the benefits a new year can bring are observing life from the wrong scale. These people, in my opinion, are missing out on the finer details of day to day life by progressing annually rather than daily.

Happy New Year!!!

(and I should probably apologise for ruining it for everyone… NAH!)

A wise man once said...

I sit now and ponder over the last few weeks. My life has been quite interesting you see. Mostly private affairs of which I will not dwell on here. In general everything is okay, an immense sense of calm filters through my heart, mind and soul as I type. The tinkling sound of a teaspoon meeting the edge of the cup while I gently stir hot fragrant rooibos and camomile tea is as good and as comforting as listening to an angel playing soft chords on a golden harp. Why all this you ask?

The dawn of realisation!

In this state of bliss everything makes sense. We humans place far too much emphasis on petty issues. These may seem like insignificant things and may be taken for granted by some. They do, however, build up inside. Some reach a point at which they explode into an undignified tearing heap of emotion. Others violently wrestle with their own minds, trying in vain to hide from the truth, all the while spiralling down into oblivion.

In your head, a logical voice speaks (imagine... Anthony Hopkins). "You, have problems!? Hah! Stop feeling sorry for yourself you pitiful excuse for a human." Anthony stares questioningly into your eyes before saying...

"...The world is full of, 'problems'. The trick to overcoming them lies in your own head. A problem is only percived as one after ones mind chooses to categorise a situation thusly."

"Well, think about it..."

"You are in fact, stronger than you know."

"The boundaries you are confined within are nothing more than imaginary points of failure you have identified for yourself based on... well... nothing really."

"You're going to die sometime whether you like it or not. Must you waste your life dwelling on petty issues and living in fear?"

"Get over it..."

Soap opera madness?

I’ve always ripped on women for watching soap operas (or soapies). Don’t rip my head off just yet, I know loads of women that despise soapies and admit that I’m making huge assumptions here. Still, it’s my blog, I shall assume away with no further deliberation.

Soapies REALLY confused me, how could someone possibly spend so much time following the completely unspectacular, annoying and obviously FAKE life of a soapy character? I’m quite happy to put up with and occasionally enjoy a show that is fake and doesn’t hide it; even some reality shows are bearable. But soapies try so hard to fake reality that it completely destroys any sense of immersion into the plot. The fact that plots are so shallow and disturbingly mundane doesn’t help either... For instance, people don’t talk aloud to themselves when they are alone, reality doesn’t split society into good guys and bad guys (90% of people are just plain ‘neutral don’t give a crap’ guys) and we definitely don’t come back to life after having been killed off once. I could easily go on for another few pages on this topic; alas there is another more significant point to be made regarding soapies.

Soap Opera Digest!!!??? Holy Crap!

Back when I was at Wits University, and living with my gran, I would sit and chat with her after campus. We would happily converse about the good old days, recipes, her health and such, you know, usual old people talk… In any case our happy conversations would last exactly till (and not one second longer) the Days of Our Lives started on TV. My gran would instantly switch over to soapy mode.

For example (imagine grannies voice NOW): “…so my mother used to make white people food because, (queue days of our lives theme song) That Sami is such a Bitch! You should see what she did to Kerry…”

I’d sit around for a few minutes to be polite before ‘going to the kitchen for a snack’/‘needing to meet some friends’/ ‘going for a long toilet break’. What I didn’t count on was the fact that those minute doses of soapy culture together with observing my grannies behaviour made me realize the point of it all.

In fact what I came to realize was a bit scarier than a mere rudimentary understanding of why people of sane mind watch these programs. This stuff goes deep into human nature, the origins and development of conflict, violence, poverty, education, peer pressure… all stuffed into one super-concentrated energy drink we call a television. A blog post cannot possibly give this subject the attention it needs.

…I’m glad I realize this now (as in, this very second). I must end this post before my head explodes trying to explain it all to you. I haven’t even started and I’ve nearly reached my word limit.

So, about the very significant point I wanted to make about soapies… I won’t put it in here because it just wouldn’t make sense any more. Instead, I will end off with a bit of a conclusion (just to give you that sense of completion).

My opinion of people that watch soapies has changed from:

“You’re a bunch of desperate, lifeless, loonies” to

“You watch that soapy, you probably need it”.

You have a brain; just use it to fill in the bits of reasoning between those two statements. Sorry for the build up to nothing… again. I promise I’ll try to finish the next post.

Pursuit of the pointless

You know, just when I start thinking that the human race is progressing so quickly. Just when I start marveling at the genius that is modern society some Daffy goes and ruins everything. Some tool with no purpose in life decides to do something really stupid and completely pointless.

Manjit Singh is the latest culprit to yank the annoy EEbEE string. Have a look at this.

Man pulls light aircraft with his ears.

With his EARS dude! …. Wh… WHY!? I simply don’t understand. Please! If someone, anyone, can explain why this man decided to pull an aeroplane with his ears please tell me. Restore my faith in humanity. Do we have a purpose on this world? Are we just random entities abusing our minds and free will to accomplish diddily squat (I’ve always wanted to say diddily in a post…milestone reached YAY!)?

Why does the public entertain these buffoons? Why do people recognize and pay homage to these individuals? Human nature never fails to baffle me. Perhaps we have become too advanced for our own good and guys like Manjit put things back into perspective for us. We are in fact a bunch of wallies living off the bright ideas of a handful of visionaries.

I can’t claim to be responsible for the internet, baked bread, the internal combustion engine, nuclear power plant technology… but then again, neither can the people who invented these respective items. They have all merely responded to a situation, found solutions to problems that wouldn’t have even existed if the rest of us weren’t around in the first place. Maybe we should all take credit for advancing the human race. That would inadvertently mean that we’d all have to take the collective blame for everything wrong that humans do/have done as well. Where do we draw the line? I’m even more confused now.

AAARGH!

Of course we could just as easily throw all logical thought processes out of the window and continue our pointless pursuit of that holy grail of accomplishments…

…pulling a DOUBLE DECKER bus with our ears.

(sigh…)