Monday, November 23, 2009

Most embarrassing moments ever part one: The nose that kept running

We all go through with these in our lives, the brief embarrassing moments experienced wherein an individual just wished that it could shrivel up into nothingness out of sheer society witnessed stupidity. I was in two thoughts about blogging about my most embarrassing moments ever. After some reflection, I came to the deduction that these happened sufficiently long ago enough for me to write about them without feeling like a complete artard. I’m not that same guy any more (or at least I hope I’m not…).

The first ever moment of embarrassment I can recall clearly in my life occurred way back when I was still in primary school (grade 3 or 4 or around the period of 1993-1994). Us Muslim kids had double school, we attended regular classes in the mornings and then went off to madressa (private Islamic education) in the afternoons. Our madressa group was not huge, 20-30 kids in all, and as a result we all worked in the same room under one or two teachers regardless of grade.

Let me get back to my story… On this particular day once upon a time, I was just coming over with the flu. Not keen to hear excuses, my parents sent me of to madressa armed with a solitary handkerchief. I knew that I had to endure the 2 hour class with a runny nose and hoped all would be well. Alas, the dripping nares ceased to desist, just halfway into our class and my handkerchief was soaked with… well you know… and I still had another HOUR to go!!!

What was I going to do!? If I had a long sleeved jersey, I could always use the sleeves and if I wasn’t so scared of the teacher I could have just gone to the bathroom and taken a bunch of loo paper to do the job instead. I didn’t do any of those things, my solution at the time was probably the best compromise I could come up with under the circumstances. I decided to twist the opposite corners of my handkerchief into nose plugs and stuff each into an offending nostril to hold back the downpour of snot.


No…not quite… I quickly found out that my solution was NOT a long term one. My nose quickly filled with snot and the stuff was now dribbling back down my throat and making it really difficult to breath. I had to do something! ‘Just go and ask permission to go to the toilet Ebrahim!’ I kept telling myself but I just couldn’t bear walking up in front of the class with my makeshift nose plugs.


What happened next was something I had done out of desperation, despair and instinct (…all mixed together in puke coloured bowl). I pulled out the nose plugs, stuck them in my mouth and stucked them dry before quickly putting them back into my nose to absorb more of the liquidy ooze. By repeating the process over and over again I found out that I could keep up with the downpour and even use my nose to breath whilst sucking the plugs dry. AWESOME!

I carried on with my lesson as per usual after that, the whole nose siphon process became instinctual and all was well. Or so I thought till I heard some giggling coming from the popular girls seated in the front corner of the classroom. I glanced up from my work to see that they were looking in my direction. Not fazed at all, I turned around thinking that the source of their amusement came from behind me… and sure enough, there was a kid passed out and sleeping on his desk back there. I too found this amusing and started giggling at the sleeping kid all the while turning to look at him before glancing back at the popular girls sharing in their fun. The doodle below illustrates the situation quite nicely I think…

Their little giggles had now turned onto what looked liked lung popping efforts to contain massive outbursts of laughter. The mood was quite contagious and I too ended up in this state (unaware that throughout the ordeal I was continually siphoning out my nose with a makeshift nose-plug-snot sponge…). A little while later the sleeping kid woke up and moved away. Sensing that this was the end of our much enjoyed amusement, I calmed myself down and continued my work.

‘Wait a second’ I thought why haven’t the popular girls stopped laughing?

Bing! (a light went on).

It was ME!!! AAARGH!!!! I clenched my eyelids as tightly as I could before curling over onto my desk and hiding my face in my arms. What an idiot I must have looked laughing; sharing and making eye contact with the popular girls in the joke that I was the subject of…


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

In which EEbEE attempts to write an episode for a cartoon

I REALLY enjoy my cartoons. Loads of people say it’s just a phase that kids grow out of eventually. In fact, I enjoyed my cartoons so much as a kid that I never bothered growing out of them. I still love watching Tom and Jerry trying to kill each other. I really dig Dr Doofenschmirtz and his random machines ending in ‘–inator’, designed to overthrow mankind. I will happily admit to having seen every episode of the Flintsones, Jetsons, Scooby-doo, wacky races and even the short lived ‘Flintstones meet the Jetsons’ series…

As much as I love my cartoons, I have to admit that occasionally one pops up that I absolutely despise. Included on this list are: Skunk fu, Dragon ball Z, Snagglepuss and Top cat to name a few. Have you ever thought “Wow I could totally improve this shite cartoon if they ever gave me a chance…” Well I decided to take it one step further and create my very own episode to prove that given the right storyline; even a crappy cartoon show can be entertaining.

>>>So it begins<<<

The Powerpuff girls

Episode E1: Fuzzy Lumbkins and quest for immortality.

Another fine day dawns on the city of Townsville… but wait, lurking in the hills is a sinister creature plotting some evil plan. Who could it be? It is none other than Fuzzy Lumbkins the pink furred, red necked, racist (who for some reason has pompoms on his head).

Fuzzy strums his banjo while sitting on an old wooden rocking chair when he comes up with one of his brightest ideas yet. “I get interest from the money I put in the bank. Now if I wait long enough, that interest will accumulate and make me rich. All I need is time… wait a second, if I kill and eat the powerpuff girls, I could become immortal! All I would have to do is wait for the riches to accumulate. YEEE’HAW! I’m going to do it”.

He sets off by building a sealed Carbon Dioxide chamber and placing a three select items within this chamber. The first is a cute little bunny, the second is a custom chopper motorcycle he steals off the street and the last is the mayors precious pickle jar. He then gets a face mask and oxygen supply which he carefully straps to his back for quick and easy access.

Fuzzy waits, the only company he has are his banjo and a large bottle of mampoer…

RING RING RING! It’s the powerpuff hotline

Mayor “Girls! Fuzzy Lumbkins has stolen my pickles! Get them back!!!”. Blossom “We’re on it Mayor”.

Dum dum da dada daa daa,
Dum dum da dada daaaaa...

Blossom “It looks like fuzzy has kept the pickles in that building… let’s get them beat the crap out of him and get back to playing with our toys”

Bubbles “EEEk! He also has a bunny imprisoned in there, I can hear it calling for help!”

Buttercup “Screw this, I’m going home. You guys can handle this without m… wait, is that a chopper? Son of a Bitch, he needs a good thrashing for stealing that bike! Let’s get him girls!”

The girls fly into the chamber where fuzzy sits and smiles at them before pulling a lever to seal the chamber and putting on an oxygen mask. A hissing sound immediately fills their ears before:

Bubbles “Soo sleepy…”

Blossom “Hey! whats… going… on…”

Buttercup “WTF…”

The girls lay motionless on the floor. The deed has been done…

It is now dark, the people of Townsville sleep, unaware of the fate of their beloved heroes. Fuzzy drags their bodies outside, rips off his mask and begins feasting on the raw flesh of the girls. The sound of bones snapping under the pressure from his jaws brings a strange sense of satisfaction over him. Being fairly petite, he eats all three girls in one sitting without even stopping for a drink.

Shrluurrp, Moosh moosh Squitch…. Gulp!


“I am IMMORTAL!!!!”

Fuzzy runs to the bank, deposits 12 dollars and returns to a cave on the hills. He seals the entrance with a large rock before falling asleep for what would be a 70 year slumber.

Meanwhile back in Townsville professor Utonium has grown suspicious of the growing silence emanating from the girls room. “They should have been back by now” he thinks. “Oh well, I’m sure they will be back in the morning”.

48 hours later

“SOBS, Why!? Why did I send my little girls away to risk their lives and fight crime!? They were just children! WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?” The sight of a grown man lying, on the floor, in a puddle of what I hope are his tears is sad indeed.

“I’m so alone…”

“And so, the day is saved thanks to fuzzy Lumbkins. Without him we’d have to watch yet another episode of those freakish, and totally not screen-worthy, powerpuff girls.”

“The Powerpuff girls will be replaced with brand new episodes of Chowder from tomorrow. Stay tuned for some real entertainment fresh out of Marzipan city!”

Next up, EEbEE tries his hand at writing an episode of Hanna Montana.