Do you use lotion? Read on if you do...

So there I am, minding my own business typing at the pc. I get a bit uneasy after a while and adjust my seating position to find a new comfort zone. Suddenly it strikes, an itch attack of a magnitude only achieved on the driest of winter days. It feels as though a hundred fleas materialize onto each of my forearms and simultaneously feast off my cells.

Emergency lights and alarms go off in my head. It is time for me to dig out the lotion and apply it as a last resort. This bottle has lasted me 3 years and is still pretty much full. Guys don’t use lotion unless their arms are about to fall off you see. We’d sooner scratch our legs till we bleed (Done this before guys, haven’t you?) than simply squeeze out some lotion from a tube and painlessly massage the itching away within seconds. If you’re a guy and you haven’t done any of these things you are either a mommy’s boy or a homo. So there…

There is a point to all this rambling. You see after applying the lotion to get rid of 200+ fleas on my arms I started wondering about the contents of said lotion and how those work to eliminate itching and dry skin. So I take a gander at the ingredients on the label.

· Cucumber

· Aloe vera

· Honey

· Buttermilk

· Mint

· Palm oils…

…the list went on and on naming these ingredients, which would probably make a good light meal on their own, each sounding more soothing and cool than the previous. After the list of recognizable ingredients came a bunch of chemicals, and this is where the average person would stop reading. No, not me, I had started reading and wanted to get to the very end of the list of ingredients. So I tried (in vain) to recall some of my first year chemistry as I slowly pronounced the names of each compound. That’s when I spotted it! There! Between Dihetrasulphoxychlorisomthing and Hydramethdoodyvonphospholux…

It said very quietly in Arial font, size 0.5

Urea

UREA!!!!

WTF!!!???

Those bleddy, dishonest, deceptive, backstabbing, lairs! I’ve been lathering myself up in urea whenever I get all itchylike. That’s just not cool. Laxatives in chewing gum is alright, but urine in lotion crosses the line! I wish people were honest about their products. Sure you wouldn’t sell much lotion if you call it “Cool Aloe, Cucumber and Urine” flavour but that’s not the point! You need to exclude mixing in random excreta with your products!

Why, oh why, do you have Urea as an ingredient in any case? Is it some sort of joke? Do employees just relieve themselves in the mixing vats to have a laugh? Who was the guy that decided it would be easier to just make urea an ingredient as opposed to firing the employees involved in taking a dump in the lotion?

I WANT ANSWERS DAMN IT!