Formula Z z z ...

Says an F1 journalist>>> "The cars are much quieter than before. There is no argument about that. But was the old engine sound particularly enjoyable?" (Andrew Benson Chief F1 writer, BBC)

Let me analyse the above statement in my humble opinion as a Formula 1 fan.

Question: How many racing events do you see with 4 wheeled cars lapping a track?

Answer: Roughly 3854 per month (okay I made this up, but my point stands).

So what makes F1 stand out from the crowd? Some would argue that you are watching the pinnacle of motorsport with the most advanced technology. Sure, as a fan I like to read about the tech and appreciate the bragging rights behind being the most advanced and blah blah blah... Something still bothered me after watching the first two races in the season though.

It wasn’t loud enough.

I find myself in a rather strange situation where I am annoyed at me for being so shallow. I always thought I was someone who appreciated attention to detail and subtleties. Now, after getting just that, I am left bored and unentertained. I miss the noise, it was exciting, unique and just plain mad. I wish had a little gnome to follow Bernie Ecclestone around. I’d call him Dobby, and I would give Dobby a universal remote control with which to mute Bernie’s TV every time he tries to watch something. I’d totally give Dobby a sock if he did that till the day Bernie died. Mute! No sound for you Mr Ecclestone. Mute again!!

I NEEED excitement. I want to see a bunch of 50 million dollar cars smashing into each other, cartwheeling off the track and into some trees leaving a trail of destruction and a really big fire somewhere, Anywhere! Back in the refuelling days fires were common, I fondly recall instances where entire fuel hoses and a couple of men holding them were dragged down the pit lane in a ball of fire because a twitching driver had too much caffeine before the race. RIP refuelling. I fondly recall engines exploding on the last lap of a race covering the track in a mixture of fire smoke and oil. So far the only problems hybrid engines have had are software related. SOFTWARE! Watching a live broadcast of a software issue is pathetic, the car just stops and won’t go till some tekkie in the pits plugs in his laptop. Drivers can’t even floor it anymore! For crying out loud! It’s a friggin RACE!

This weekend I praised Lewis Hamilton for having a perfect weekend (pole position, lead the whole race and stand at the top of the podium at the end) but at the back of my mind I thought “jeepers he should be crowned as winner of the most boring race in the field too”. I read an article in which Lewis Hamilton describes how challenging it is for the drivers with the new rules. 

Okay, I thought, challenging = exciting >>therefore>> races will be more fun, right.

 Right?

 WRONG!!! 

The crux of Hamilton’s argument is that it is more difficult for the drivers because they have to do some maths while driving to make sure they use only a specified amount of fuel over the duration of the race (100 litres). If you get the math wrong you will go very fast, beat almost everyone and celebrate on the podium with some bubbly shortly before FIA officials in black suits take all your points and your trophy away (hey, at least you won some memories and entertained your home crowd Mr Riccardo). Hamilton then goes through details about how tough fuel saving strategies are and how one has to “lift and coast” to the corners to make your fuel ration last till the checkered flag (see the rest of this diplomatic article on http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/formula1/26767232 ). In any case it is great that drivers are challenged but what about the fans? I do not tune in to a live race to see cars ‘lifting and coasting’. I wish Bernie would retire already so Ross Brawn can come back to fill his shoes and make F1 fans happy again.

So what’s the deal with donkey and dragon?

I always thought the makers of Shrek went a step too far when they thought it would be a good idea for donkey to get it on with dragon. Reptiles and mammals, eggs and fur, massive and tiny no No NO that will never do. People say all babies are cute but the mutant spawn created by the pairing of a donkey and dragon are most definitely not. Every time I see them I find myself waiting for the scene to end. You may be thinking “Geez EEbEE take it easy, it’s just a fantasy movie getting some laughs. Give it a break!” after listening to my initial rant. Bear with me, there is a point to all of this…

Honestly!?

…and here it is!>>> I honestly think that some things should be left alone and not turned into a cheap love story. The good writers know when to stop; J.R.R. Tolkien for example, didn’t see a need for a Mrs Gollum! So many good stories/episodes/series have been utterly ruined by these canned bean romances.

Harry Potter, I don’t care which girl Harry hooks up with and how they struggle to admit they love each other because they are young and innocent… just friggin point your wand at random shit and say funny made up words that make them spontaneously combust. Okay, that isn’t a riveting plot but it would sure as hell make for more interesting reading than Harry blushing and running away every time he sees a girl he likes!

The Big Bang Theory was the biggest let down. Here was a show that got laughs the clever way in season 1 and half of season 2. After that it just became a soapy about tactics nerds use to get laid. Currently I would estimate that around 95 percent of the humour is the same old “…that’s what she said” crap you can find on Hanging with Mr Cooper. They even found Sheldon Cooper a ‘girlfriend’! WTF! He was the only reason I still watched the show and now he too has a cheap, meaningless and humorless relationship with a secondary character.

House and Cuddy should never have hooked up in the first place. The episodes they are together are too wet to be classified as part of the series. For the first time since the series began, Wilson was funnier than House! Save the background love story for Dr Chase (sp?) isn’t that what the guy is for?

(I could easily go on but each new example urges me to delete everything on my hard drive.)

Seeing as I consider myself a fair guy, I will now dispense advice on how to rectify the cheap love story disease plaguing television of today (only assholes complain all the time without suggesting a solution).>>> I realise that writers are put under tremendous pressure to produce shows that are interesting, original, funny… and that after 15 episodes their imaginations are exhausted. Instead of turning towards the path of soppyness I implore them to watch some Japanese anime. There is something about those manga/anime dudes, they have the formula for a great show. Just the right proportions of humour, violence…romance to keep you glued to the show. I’m not one for soppy love stories (would you have guessed?) but anime has showed me that there is a time and a place for everything. Aweful, uninspired writers should get off their lazy arses and stop taking advantage of loyal fans. They should learn how to keep ratings up by providing good quality shows as opposed to milking inappropriate themes and getting away with it because walkover fans simply want to get their weekly fix of series X for routine sake. Screw that!

Supermarket Detective Agency

There I was, minding my own business in the local supermarket. I grabbed a trolley, you know, one of those miniature ones designed to carry baskets for lazy people who refuse to use basket handles… in any case I proceeded in my usual manner, making my way to household cleaners (before shelf food items and then finally fridge/freezer items… if you don’t do this you are weird, so there). I should mention that things were not going so well for me this day as I had accumulated quite a lot of common cold symptoms. To be more specific; groggy voice, coughing and sputtering, red droopy eyes and a snotty nose to top it all off (just keep that wonderful image of me in your mind for now).

Back to the story, I had already placed an item or two into my trolley before I decided to make a quick trolley-less dash into a crowded isle to pick up some soap. I legged it through the masses of smelly obese ladies buying beauty products to the soap section hauled a couple bars of Protex into my arms and legged it back through the ambulating wall of lard. When I emerged (unscathed) I was greeted by an empty space where my trolley once stood.

GONE!?

What…? Where could it…? WHO TOOK IT!?

It had only been a few seconds, a half minute at the most. The rational thing to do would be to go back to the trolley section fetch another one, reselect taken items and get over it. Alas, my mind was not of a rational state at the time and my thoughts followed this path instead:

“The Bastard! I don’t want to have to get another trolley! Why should I? I distinctly remember putting a green basket at the top and a black one at the bottom, I can find this trolley snatcher and get my vehicle back! They can’t have gone very far and they will only have gathered a few items (if any) in the interim.”

I scan my surrounding through red eyes (how about that one…) before:

“There! Old lady pushing identical trolley with few items at 3 o’clock!”

I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t even think twice before walking up to her and asking her to return my trolley. I tried to sound friendly but my voice let me down and I ended up growling out a statement punctuated falsely by involuntary coughing.

“So *cough-cough* You’re the *cough* lady who *sputter-cough* took my *swallow phlegm* trolley!” I said, trying to smile after her eyes greeted me with some confusion and a bit of fear I guess.

“No.” says the old lady softly “I got mine from the front, but you can take one of my baskets. I’m checking out now”

I coughed my way though an apology before humbly (or at least as humble as a deranged coughing, snotty, psycho with a trolley fetish can possibly appear) accepting the offer and taking an unused basket from her. As I walked away, thoroughly embarrassed and ashamed, I spotted ANOTHER trolley that looked exactly like mine. Like an eagle fixing its gaze on potential prey from a distance, I locked onto to the trolleys driver (pusher?). An unattractive pudgy middle aged woman seemed a likely suspect for trolley theft as dastardly as had befallen me, especially so as she was wearing clothes that were at least 2-3 sizes too small for her (YUCK!). Only someone too lazy to carefully select proper clothes sizes so they can be comfortable would stoop so low as to steal someone else’s trolley to save a few measly seconds at the trolley stand!

I homed in on her and said “Hey! You took my *cough-cough* trolley, I was using that.” I was so sure! She looked at me, shook her head and said “No, I got this from the front”. Deflated, I apologized and decided to give up.

So, so sure… she MUST have been lying.

People I fail to get along with

I've met so many people who think like this. I usually pick it up after one or two in depth conversations. These people probably never perceive themselves in this way. It's a sad life in which the closest friend they can keep is their own reflection in the mirror. This however, doesn't seem to bother them in the least...

If, perchance, I too fall under this category please tell me so I can perform brain surgery on myself crossing fingers that I will lop off the right portion and become a worthy human being again.

In case you were wondering, this is just a general post aimed at finding out if I am (have become) what I hate. If you think you know who I am leave an honest comment (I can take it !!! *crushes an empty appletiser can onto his forehead*)

Do you use lotion? Read on if you do...

So there I am, minding my own business typing at the pc. I get a bit uneasy after a while and adjust my seating position to find a new comfort zone. Suddenly it strikes, an itch attack of a magnitude only achieved on the driest of winter days. It feels as though a hundred fleas materialize onto each of my forearms and simultaneously feast off my cells.

Emergency lights and alarms go off in my head. It is time for me to dig out the lotion and apply it as a last resort. This bottle has lasted me 3 years and is still pretty much full. Guys don’t use lotion unless their arms are about to fall off you see. We’d sooner scratch our legs till we bleed (Done this before guys, haven’t you?) than simply squeeze out some lotion from a tube and painlessly massage the itching away within seconds. If you’re a guy and you haven’t done any of these things you are either a mommy’s boy or a homo. So there…

There is a point to all this rambling. You see after applying the lotion to get rid of 200+ fleas on my arms I started wondering about the contents of said lotion and how those work to eliminate itching and dry skin. So I take a gander at the ingredients on the label.

· Cucumber

· Aloe vera

· Honey

· Buttermilk

· Mint

· Palm oils…

…the list went on and on naming these ingredients, which would probably make a good light meal on their own, each sounding more soothing and cool than the previous. After the list of recognizable ingredients came a bunch of chemicals, and this is where the average person would stop reading. No, not me, I had started reading and wanted to get to the very end of the list of ingredients. So I tried (in vain) to recall some of my first year chemistry as I slowly pronounced the names of each compound. That’s when I spotted it! There! Between Dihetrasulphoxychlorisomthing and Hydramethdoodyvonphospholux…

It said very quietly in Arial font, size 0.5

Urea

UREA!!!!

WTF!!!???

Those bleddy, dishonest, deceptive, backstabbing, lairs! I’ve been lathering myself up in urea whenever I get all itchylike. That’s just not cool. Laxatives in chewing gum is alright, but urine in lotion crosses the line! I wish people were honest about their products. Sure you wouldn’t sell much lotion if you call it “Cool Aloe, Cucumber and Urine” flavour but that’s not the point! You need to exclude mixing in random excreta with your products!

Why, oh why, do you have Urea as an ingredient in any case? Is it some sort of joke? Do employees just relieve themselves in the mixing vats to have a laugh? Who was the guy that decided it would be easier to just make urea an ingredient as opposed to firing the employees involved in taking a dump in the lotion?

I WANT ANSWERS DAMN IT!

Rant about headlines

I’m really surprised at the shocking headlines I’ve seen recently in the news. Either desperate measures used by journalists to attract the attention of stupid people or stupid journalist not thinking about what they write while they are going about their business…

Let me explain:

Earlier this week there was a news headline with the following

“Corpses left to rot underground!”

I mean REALLY, do they honestly expect us to react something along these lines “How horrific! How could someone possibly have stooped so low as to leave corpses to ROT! UNDERGROUND!??? That evil son-of-a-femaledog. I hope he/she burns in hell for carrying out such an inhuman act. IN HELL!!!” Give the people some credit I say. How odd would it be if we didn’t leave corpses to rot underground… “Look honey, the neighbours dog died, judging from the smell and maggots it must have kicked the bucket around 3 weeks ago. I really wish he’d scooped it up and left it at the corpse pile on the corner of 5^th and Cathcart.”

Nay, the person that originally thought of burying corpses was a genius… a headline like that should be followed by picture of a man with a spade standing triumphantly at the side of newly covered grave.

The next headline was quite recent news on the radio (today if I’m not mistaken) “Miners shot by security guards after found digging for gold”. That’s a raw deal in my opinion, the last time I checked digging for gold was part of the job description. Were they innocently working before some trigger happy guard came along and shot them to pieces or were they hiding nuggets up their asses?

A few weeks back there was even a report of a Boeing 767 crash landing at Harare International Airport. The world looked on in panic as people started pointing fingers and checking flight details of family members… all until we read the full report (a day later) detailing a 767 crash-land TRAINING EXERCISE!

These sorts of things can so easily be taken the wrong way. If it’s all about getting people talking and making a fuss over stuff that ends up being really trivial, I don’t think it’s worth it at all. In my opinion, if ones story is boring, being vague and lying about it to be popular is rather juvenile. People that write news reports in this manner should be forced to swallow broken lightbulbs.

So there…