Do you use lotion? Read on if you do...

So there I am, minding my own business typing at the pc. I get a bit uneasy after a while and adjust my seating position to find a new comfort zone. Suddenly it strikes, an itch attack of a magnitude only achieved on the driest of winter days. It feels as though a hundred fleas materialize onto each of my forearms and simultaneously feast off my cells.

Emergency lights and alarms go off in my head. It is time for me to dig out the lotion and apply it as a last resort. This bottle has lasted me 3 years and is still pretty much full. Guys don’t use lotion unless their arms are about to fall off you see. We’d sooner scratch our legs till we bleed (Done this before guys, haven’t you?) than simply squeeze out some lotion from a tube and painlessly massage the itching away within seconds. If you’re a guy and you haven’t done any of these things you are either a mommy’s boy or a homo. So there…

There is a point to all this rambling. You see after applying the lotion to get rid of 200+ fleas on my arms I started wondering about the contents of said lotion and how those work to eliminate itching and dry skin. So I take a gander at the ingredients on the label.

· Cucumber

· Aloe vera

· Honey

· Buttermilk

· Mint

· Palm oils…

…the list went on and on naming these ingredients, which would probably make a good light meal on their own, each sounding more soothing and cool than the previous. After the list of recognizable ingredients came a bunch of chemicals, and this is where the average person would stop reading. No, not me, I had started reading and wanted to get to the very end of the list of ingredients. So I tried (in vain) to recall some of my first year chemistry as I slowly pronounced the names of each compound. That’s when I spotted it! There! Between Dihetrasulphoxychlorisomthing and Hydramethdoodyvonphospholux…

It said very quietly in Arial font, size 0.5

Urea

UREA!!!!

WTF!!!???

Those bleddy, dishonest, deceptive, backstabbing, lairs! I’ve been lathering myself up in urea whenever I get all itchylike. That’s just not cool. Laxatives in chewing gum is alright, but urine in lotion crosses the line! I wish people were honest about their products. Sure you wouldn’t sell much lotion if you call it “Cool Aloe, Cucumber and Urine” flavour but that’s not the point! You need to exclude mixing in random excreta with your products!

Why, oh why, do you have Urea as an ingredient in any case? Is it some sort of joke? Do employees just relieve themselves in the mixing vats to have a laugh? Who was the guy that decided it would be easier to just make urea an ingredient as opposed to firing the employees involved in taking a dump in the lotion?

I WANT ANSWERS DAMN IT!

Milestones reached: Heroic Flatulence

(Warning! This post is about farts. Read at own risk.)

I don't know much about how people go about their daily lives, what motivates them, keeps them from kick starting a chainsaw and going on a blood rampage... that sort of thing. Milestones are the ticket for me. You see I have these seemingly pointless goals I randomly set for myself. I don't get carried away with them, in fact some of my pointless milestones are only added to the list after I've done them, kind of:

"Oh that was unique and fun! I should add it to my completed milestones list"

You see it's my list, so I make the rules as I go along (feel the power HAHAHAAAAA!!!). So back to the point of this post. I just ticked off a milestone today. Many people (most of them of the female persuasion) think farts are disgusting and should be kept private (sound, vibration, olfaction...the works). I'm not saying that I enjoy any of these things, I just believe that humans need to fart just like we need to breath. Why all the fuss over flatulence? It's a natural and beautiful process... well, when I say beautiful I refer to the ensuing relief. In any case my milestone was to accomplish something useful with flatulence.

I got more than I bargained for today when my sister came into my room to have a chat (we often have these long chats about nothing in particular). Today was different, I had just let one off before she walked into my room. I gave the usual (frantic) hand signals to warn her and she promptly screwed up her face and left after saying, "I thought there was something funky in the air..." or something along those lines. In any case her planned path was now diverted though the kitchens 'safe zone' where she spotted our rechargable torch catch alight on the table.

"EEbEE, THERE'S A FIRE IN THE KITCHEN!!!!"

I run to the kitchen and unplug the torch before the fire has a chance to explode into a raging inferno engulfing our house and possibly the ENTIRE TOWN (...hey, it could've happened). I therefore declare my farts, not only useful, but Heroic!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find some unique way to sign an autograph...

The Great Toilet Dilemma

Some people appreciate the almost oriental appearance and design of the buildings at the University of KwaZulu Natal biological sciences campus in Pietermaritzburg (S.A.). I know this, I’m one of them.

Especially after coming from a Wits University where someone decided that it would be more practical to make all the newer buildings out of pre-cast concrete blocks then leave them unpainted for that… grey look. I for one love the colour grey but the effects of the overkill phenomenon definitely shine through at the end of the day.

Returning to my story.

After marveling over the architecture at UKZN and actually using the place, one quickly realises that said buildings designer wasn’t all that good at designing practical toilets. Let me outline what I have to go through every time I wish to relieve myself at the office.

This is a picture of a cubicle in the men’s room. The problem with this cubicle may not jump out at you at first glance. For this reason I have included a second picture (further down) in which I place my personal hygiene at risk to illustrate the scale of my problem.

See it yet? no... scroll down

Yes, the dolt that designed this cubicle

forgot that people (most people) HAVE LEGS!

So it’s basically impossible to get in or out of the cubicles without touching a manky surface. But wait, it gets worse… These toilets use a pressurized cistern flushing system. To those unfamiliar with the system, it makes use of pressurized water to flush excrement and save many litres of water compared to a regular (gravity) cistern. Unfortunately saving water comes at a very high price to cubicle users as flushing is quite explosive and water splashes out of the bowl (which I point out in the first picture...has no seat-cover!) I've tried my best to illustrate the problem with the doodle below.

There is quite simply no space to do ANYTHING. To avoid the splash, you flush then retreat to behind a closed door, wait patiently for the flush to end (4-10 seconds, it varies). You then need to get out of the cubicle. To do so without brushing against any surfaces you must stand and balance precariously on the edge of the bowl whilst simultaneously opening the door. You then jump off the seat to freedom (and hope nobody sees you)

Alternatively squish yourself into the 'safe zone' when opening the door. Unfortunately this area is so small that the margin of error when you position yourself is non-existent and your back will brush against the wall on your way out.

Why oh why didn't they just make the doors open outward...

(If you want to know why I don't use urinals I will be happy to post one of my previous arb comments that covers the topic).