If I got a tattoo it would say...

I had quite a long discussion (drawn out over a few days in fact) with a friend about tattoos a while back. She wanted to get a tattoo on her foot that said “Dragon” in Chinese…very original…

I was REALLY confused, why would anyone do that? Tattoos are very popular, millions of people have them and some people make a living off them. There is even a reality show (I haven’t bothered to watch) on the Discovery channel dedicated to them (“Miami Ink” I think it’s called). There must be more to the tattoo, something that I don’t understand. It’s like I have this unattractive 10 000 piece puzzle in my head representing tattoo culture, I’ve spent years assembling the whole thing but all the corners and edge bits are missing. This wealth of information all kind of makes sense, it’s just that I can’t place any of it into context within logical reason.

I’ve asked so many people with tattoos about the motivation for getting one. They never give me a straight up answer. In fact I’d probably find a significant positive correlation between the time it takes the person to think of a good reason and how long ago they decided to get the tattoo, a sure sign that they really have no clue…

As for the juveniles that have stubbornly decided to get one (but have not already done so), they seem to be motivated primarily by obtaining higher status amongst the ranks of the ‘cool gang’. I’m sorry, but if your purpose in life is to be cool than you are indeed a very sad person. I can’t think of a soul I pity more than someone who lives their life in pursuit of a goal as pointless as ‘cool status’. I’ll leave my rant about this topic for another day though…

Some of the other (lame) excuses people give me for getting a tattoo are listed below with my two cents worth of opinion following up:

• I rewarded myself with this tattoo after …

What were you thinking! That’s like saying I’ll reward myself by amputating a digit or having my incisors extracted. Those are also equally painful, permanent and pointless.

• My BFF and I got the same tattoo…

You need a tattoo to remind you that you have a BFF! Surely the emotional bond is strong enough that you won’t forget about her (guys don’t have BFF’s).

• Re. Tattooing your girlfriends name on your arm or similar…

Why would anyone think that a tattoo effectively symbolizes a strong link they share with another? In my opinion it would just make the relationship seem cheap and shallow. If the guy below (at least I hope it’s a guy…) saw it fit to tattoo a life size Wookie head onto his leg do you honestly think your token of love in the form of a name tattooed to your arm means anything!? REALLY??? DOES IT???? HUH????? (you pillock…)

• I had my favourite childhood t-shirt tattooed to my torso

No comment…

• My tattoo is art

Oh really! I don’t suppose it would be possible to appreciate the images created by your blobs of subcutaneous ink in any other medium (paper, cathedral ceilings, marble sculptures…). Besides, I’ve always found skin to have the EXACT right properties for enhancing the colour and depth needed by great artists… sigh…

As far as I can see, the logical reasons anyone would get a tattoo are relatively few. After much thought, I have composed a list:

1. My parents demanded I get one (you could have really peculiar parents… just listen to them and you will survive).
2. I lost a bet.
3. It covers the scar I got from a nasty hot pie accident.
4. It distracts people from looking at my ugly, leprosy covered face.
5. I’m an idiot with no common sense.

So in response to my posts title, if I were forced to get a tattoo it would say

“tattoos are stupid”

I would probably hide it in an armpit or something