Chores… the word strikes at the heart of every prepubescent in every household. Parents say that chores build character and yes, I agree 100%, but there are times when chores seem awfully close to child labour. And since, as a kid, I hardly ever got paid for doing chores it was even closer to child slavery!
Honestly, how many kids can say that their character and morals were built on a solid foundation of SLAVERY! Now THAT’S real character building. It didn’t just happen at home, it happened at school as well. When I think back, our little school out in the styx took just as much advantage of us than our parents did. Mr Terry, wielding a referees whistle while prancing around in his overly conspicuous short shorts would order us about. “Mow that grass!” “Rake them fields!” “Cut those brambles!” “Fill those potholes!” “Paint those lines!” we even built and mended the school picket fences in our so called ‘woodwork’ classes.
When we got home from school yet more chores awaited us. It didn’t matter that we had a domestic worker, we still had to mow the lawn, prune the trees, wash the cars, clean the house, cook some food, wash the dishes, wax and polish the floors, vacuum the carpets, do our homework… and my pet hate… Pick up the dog shit! Yes on top of the list of ‘crappiest chores’ was crap itself. It was wonderful having three Rhodesian Ridgebacks in our ample yard. Less wonderful, however, was having to clean up after them… my cousin or brother and I would have to do this chore as a team. One would brandish a spade whilst the other would follow closely with the old orange wheel barrow. It’s difficult to say which one I enjoyed doing more… or less to be honest (so so difficult to favour either shoveling excrement or carting excrement… nope, still can’t decide.
To add insult to injury, our dogs were fed the cheapest dog food on the market. Y’know the stuff that contains 95% bulk and 5% nutrition (we knew this then because it looked the same going in as did it coming out, had pretty much the same texture and I swear the same quantity). This was the dog food you could only buy in 50kg hessian sacks. I felt sorry for our dogs sometimes, the diet gave them a ton of gas. I can say with quite a large amount of confidence that these dogs farted more than they barked (and they barked at pretty much everything and everyone!).
In any case, I spotted one of our dogs taking a dump on our lawn today and it made me think about the ol’ wheelbarrow and spade routine. I thought to myself “EEbEE, you’re a scientist… think of something that could make that Satan spawn chore a bit easier”. Then it hit me, like a sack of… well you know…. The answer was so simple and so effective. I called it the “Poo Auger”. The doodle below illustrates my geniusness!!!
See!!! The poo just gets buried where it lies. Not only is it easier than shoveling and carting but you also end up fertilizing the lawn! You can even take your “Poo Auger™” camping so you can easily hide all evidence of that boskak you took after eating bad potjie. I will be taking bulk orders for the “Poo Auger™” order 10 or more and get a free 2ply camping toilet roll dispenser!
So back to the chores, I’d hate for everyone to think that I was tortured as a kid so I’m going to come clean. The chores didn’t actually take much of our leisure time or even effort come to think of it… it’s just that we HAD to complain bitterly when we got chores. This was purely to avoid being given more chores... I’m sure our parents would have piled on the work if we showed any signs of enjoyment while doing those things “EEbEE enjoys mowing the lawn, he should do it more often”.
All I can say is that when my own kids are growing up, they will each get a shovel and wheelbarrow set on their 6th birthdays (or should I make it 5th?).