I was in Pick 'n Pay today when I noticed this product on the shelves for the first time. Why did Kellogg's think it would be a good idea to name a breakfast cereal 'Smack' (unless said cereal contained a certain 'secret ingredient')! I mean honestly! do they think people will need their fix of smack in the mornings? Does the name guarantee a long term customer from a particular segment of buyers?
I'm not so sure... The frog/lizard thing seems to be very excited about the whole deal though, suspiciously so in my opinion. Have you ever seen a cereal box character with as big a smile???
Stay well away from this one friends, it gives me the heebee djeebeez
I've met so many people who think like this. I usually pick it up after one or two in depth conversations. These people probably never perceive themselves in this way. It's a sad life in which the closest friend they can keep is their own reflection in the mirror. This however, doesn't seem to bother them in the least...
If, perchance, I too fall under this category please tell me so I can perform brain surgery on myself crossing fingers that I will lop off the right portion and become a worthy human being again.
In case you were wondering, this is just a general post aimed at finding out if I am (have become) what I hate. If you think you know who I am leave an honest comment (I can take it !!! *crushes an empty appletiser can onto his forehead*)
You think you are living in a modern world, a world where people are finally beginning to understand the way things work. Using science, logic and technological advances to solve problems is the norm.
No it isn't.
Some crazy backward bastards go and ruin everything by believing that a rhinos horn has medicinal value! According to 16th century pharmacists (yes, 16th century!!!) the magical horn is said to treat fever, rheumatism, gout, snake bites, hallucinations, typhoid, headaches, carbuncles, vomiting, food poisoning, libido, being possessed by the devil... but rhino horn does none of these things. These people may as well treat their condition by eating their own hair and nail clippings. Heck they may as well drink a glass of water, it's far more useful medicinally.
Thereafter, a group of even crazier money hungry sods go and harvest horns from live animals to meet the demand. A win win situation? I think not! Armed with aforementioned technological advances, poachers have become devastatingly efficient at harvesting horns. Rhino numbers are declining and so on and so forth...
THE SOLUTION
Okay it's pretty easy and I can't imagine why it hasn't been tried yet. You see the horn has tremendous value, it must have if poachers are able to form well organised armed teams in helicopters (!!!) to harvest a few (dozen maybe) horns a month at the most. Horns are also very scarce which drives their value up, this is logical. So what if...(let me put this into perspective)... what if authorities were to flood the market with fake rhino horn. If it is traditionally dispensed in a powder form simply drown the black market in fake product (it'll be just as effective, medicinally, as the real stuff).
Brainless customers will be happy because they could get their product cheaply.
Poachers would stop hacking rhinos to bits because selling chickens wings on the black market would be far more profitable
Rhino extinction probabilities would be reduced significantly
Hippies would stop their endless moaning on the subject (they'd find something else but we can be happy in between complaints)
Ever looked up at the sky, seen birds gliding through the air and thought “I wish I could fly…” (of course you have!). Well readers I have some great news for you!
My story starts at my parents hardware store in Kranskop. You see I am filling in for my sister and her husband while they vacation at the beach for two weeks. I learned very quickly that to survive in this place you have to make your own fun. I have since kept my eyes peeled for and embraced any opportunity for obscure entertainment I could find. One such opportunity presented its self today in fact. I was ambling around looking for something to do when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. A red scooter! Parked outside the main shop entrance.
My view on scooters for the majority of my life was that these machines were feminine excuses for motorcycles. I usually made fun of them, laughing at their pitiful riders and the way they looked like they were sitting on the loo while manouvering. ALL UNTIL…
…FLCL
For those not familiar with FLCL: It’s a Japanese anime series that revolutionized the anime genre with unique and novel animation and a completely mindblowing storyline (funny as hell too). From what I understand the show famously blew an entire seasons budget on the first few episodes before the creators were forced to fit the remaining 16 or so episodes and the season finale into just two half hour slots to prevent investors from crucifying them. The results were (and still are) astounding! In any case, I’m drifting here… one of the shows main characters is a crazy alien chicky that rides around on…
…well this
Don’t let the looks fool you, this little Vespa is insanely fast and full of the bad-ass attitude us guys shamelessly fall to pieces for. Image by D_Nikolaos (photobucket).
So basically, scooters have been cool in my books since FLCL. So much so that I will, one day, own a little yellow “P!” scooter just like the one pictured here. I even want to start a bad-ass scooter gang “Hells Chihuahuas” we’ll call ourselves. Riding through the streets with our little 50 cc engines screaming away as we struggle to do 40 up the hills. We’ll raid the local bakeries of all their cheese bagels then storm the park to eat them (with gherkins… mmmmm) atop our fancy scooters...
Oh yeah, so there was this red scooter parked outside the shop. I went in, looked for the owner (a tall guy from India or Pakistan I guess), asked him if I could take it for a spin. He looked at me once in jest, then again with a slightly worried expression “Wait, this guy is serious…” I imagine he thought. After seeing the look I explained that I wanted to try it out and I know how to ride a motorcycle. He shrugged before leading me to the scooter, starting it and pointing to one of the handles “This is the brakes” he says in a heavy Middle Eastern accent. He turned around and went back into the store.
I had it all to myself! I didn’t think twice before taking off for a quick spin around the premises. At this point in time my cheeks started aching. Why was that??? Well, it so happened that I was grinning so widely and for so long that my face actually started hurting with the prolonged strain. I imagine that I could have eaten a whole banana with that grin…
…sideways…
… you pervert!!!
It mattered not that the thing felt so unsteady under me and that it was so slow and rickety and noisy and ugly and was structurally sound thanks to some strategically positioned tape… I was having a blast! Now I know why people ride these things!
Since the beginning of the human race we have witnessed the epic battle between two would be friends that have somehow become adversaries. It isn’t what you are thinking by the way. I’m not referring to some barney between two physical entities like Kane and Abel (See Bible: Genesis I think) nor am I referring to the ancient battle between good and evil… that’s far too long, boring and full of clichés. My thoughts today drifted onto the less well known but equally (if not more) interesting battle between Wisdom and Logic.
I was reminded about this age old battle during a Body Corporate AGM meeting for the town house complex I currently reside in. My case was to allow owners to have dogs (which have been banned for the last 20 years or so); I built up a logical argument and even had supporting scientific evidence to back me up. Needless to say, my science and logic were smashed onto the floor like a delicate package being handled by airport staff at O R Thambo International. I have to admit though, I saw it coming. The moment you present flawless logic to old people they immediately retaliate in Oldskerish (which is basically a mixture of wisdom, senility, experience, stubbornness and gibberish) even if they happen to agree with what you are saying. The oldskerish just slips out, they have as much control over it as they do over their bladders and farts.
So whenever I get a nasty oldskerish reply from an ancient I always keep my cool, I just say to myself “EEbEE one day when you are past your sell by date and all you can do for entertainment is annoy younger folk with your oldskerish and faint smell of pee you’ll look back at all this and smile”. Back to the meeting, I quickly realized that my science and logic would get me nowhere in a discussion where I’m at LEAST 40 years younger than the cars driven by attending members. I simply shrugged and bore the 45 minutes of verbal abuse that followed my short (and widely interrupted) talk on ‘why allowing dogs in our complex would be a good idea’. So I reacted how any young person would after being attacked by an overwhelming torrent of oldskerish...
...I got a dog
You may not realize it but these sorts of clashes between logic and wisdom happen very often. The reason they occur so frequently is that both logic and wisdom are seen as morally correct and favourable traits. A fight between good/right and evil/wrong is easy to call and even easier to take sides and support. When you put one form of good/right against another form of good however, things start getting a bit messy. Both parties tend to defend their beliefs to the grave because both parties are correct in the greater scheme of things. This is how a tiny difference in belief can spark war. Take the endless fighting between Jews, Christians and Muslims for example, take one step back from all the chaos and it becomes clear that all these religions are ON THE SAME SIDE! I’ll leave that topic for another day though.
Cutting a long story short, what I’ve come to realise is that Logic and Wisdom are complementary. People happy to accept one without the other need to work this out before they can progress in a civilized manner that won’t end up with one party warring with another over the resting position of a toilet seat for example. Once the two forces unite, you get something amazing,
…you get intelligence. Or simply, the ability to place things into the correct context.
Something so simple yet so evidently lacking in modern society. If you have no clear goal in life this would be a good start. Dedicate the rest of your days towards putting things into the right place and most of all, understanding yourself and what you do.
Okay so I dared myself to write a blog post in ten minutes. Here it is.
I’m pretty good at complaining about stuff and ranting but the truth is, I really don’t care a rats ass about the stuff I complain about. Why, you ask? Well it’s just that I’ve reached a point in my life where my priorities have shifted away from materialism and so called issues… I’ve now refocused on something WAY more important than all of that.
(seven minutes left)
You see, your life is only a dream in the greater scheme of things. Did you know that all humans are EXACTLY the same age? Our souls were cast at the exact instant in time on the plains of creation. Fate plays a role here too. All the souls that we met on the plains of creation are in fact, the very souls we are destined to meet in our worldly life. The ones you became friends with there are the ones you have become friends with here, the ones you greeted once in a corridor and then forgot about here were greeted once there… and so on, and so forth. It’s all part of the big plan. Now things get a bit weird for humans (and djinns but I’ll have to fill you in on that at a later stage) in particular because, unlike all other seen and unseen organisms, humans have been given the gift of free will.
(three minutes left)
Basically your life and the path it takes towards success or failure will be determined by your ability to say YES and NO at the right/wrong time. Simple isn’t it… now, loads of people have lost the ability to distinguish between the right and wrong time to use the appropriate form of free will… the equivalent of a morally correct vs. immoral person. The lines between right and wrong kind of get blurred because these people are constantly trying to convince themselves that they have been using their free will correctly when they haven’t.
(30 seconds left)
My journey has been a success of late but I would hate to bore you with details so I’ll just spill the beans on the secret to living life right now.
I sit now and ponder over the last few weeks. My life has been quite interesting you see. Mostly private affairs of which I will not dwell on here. In general everything is okay, an immense sense of calm filters through my heart, mind and soul as I type. The tinkling sound of a teaspoon meeting the edge of the cup while I gently stir hot fragrant rooibos and camomile tea is as good and as comforting as listening to an angel playing soft chords on a golden harp. Why all this you ask?
The dawn of realisation!
In this state of bliss everything makes sense. We humans place far too much emphasis on petty issues. These may seem like insignificant things and may be taken for granted by some. They do, however, build up inside. Some reach a point at which they explode into an undignified tearing heap of emotion. Others violently wrestle with their own minds, trying in vain to hide from the truth, all the while spiralling down into oblivion.
In your head, a logical voice speaks (imagine... Anthony Hopkins). "You, have problems!? Hah! Stop feeling sorry for yourself you pitiful excuse for a human." Anthony stares questioningly into your eyes before saying... "...The world is full of, 'problems'. The trick to overcoming them lies in your own head. A problem is only percived as one after ones mind chooses to categorise a situation thusly."
"Well, think about it..."
"You are in fact, stronger than you know."
"The boundaries you are confined within are nothing more than imaginary points of failure you have identified for yourself based on... well... nothing really."
"You're going to die sometime whether you like it or not. Must you waste your life dwelling on petty issues and living in fear?"
So today one of the students in the office came to me for advice. He looked really worried and stressed out so I said "okay, have a seat. What's on your mind?"
I thought that perhaps he wanted me to help him with his broken laptop, fixing his Mp3 player, even advice with some project work or statistical analysis. Nothing prepared me for what he said next though.
"EEbEE, I need your advice about girls..."
What the hell! I think this goes to show exactly how little some people know about me. Sure I'm happy to share my logical and unbiased opinion on any topic. This, however, complicated things somewhat. All of a sudden I found myself listening and trying to give advice to another on a subject I have ZERO experience on.
I've never had a girlfriend, it's not permitted in my culture. I will now sum up how things work in Islam to show you the normal way we go about things.
Meet girl with parents (hers and yours) permission. First meeting often arranged by parents (hence 'arranged marriage').
Check that you are not related.
See if you are interested in each other.
Begin courtship (talking and communication with no physical contact)
Get engaged (now it's official, still no contact allowed).
Get married. (the end...or beginning if you must)
Cake, samoosas, biryani...
Steps 1-5 usually happen very quickly. Normally a month to a few months... then step 6 follows when everyone is ready (can't put a strict time limit on this but usually within a year or two at the most).
So back to my topic. This guy tells me that his girlfriend caught him chatting to another girl in his bedroom and freaked out. He swears the other girl is just a friend and they weren't going to "do anything" in any case... blah blah blah... he still is in love with her (original one) and cares for her but now she has doubts and "all the love" has kind of vanished from their relationship....or something along those lines. In any case she told him that "she needs some space" (which is code for...???) .
I tell myself "Geez EEbEE how are you going to get yourself out of this situation". I couldn't just tell him to bugger off after he opened up and told me some very personal things (this from a guy whos name I only figured out a week previously). So I did my best and gave him my two cents while at the same time trying to cover my ass in case my advice was total Codfish. This is how I advised him...
Basically I said "It sounds like she doesn't trust you any more" (stating the obvious helps sometimes, esp. when people are too drowned in emotion to see what's in front of them). "a relationship without trust won't work, you need to gain her trust back." I warned him that I wasn't the right person to speak to about these matters and explained why and how we do things in my culture (the 7 steps above).
The next (inevitable) question followed...
"how do I get her trust back?" I say "Be honest and tell her how you feel. *pause for thinking* You need to let her know that she can rely on you again.*pause longer for thinking* perhaps if you got the other girl, the one she caught you with, to speak to your girl and tell her that you two are really JUST FRIENDS and not in any sort of relationship. *pause for thinking* maybe you couldpropose to her, as a kind of solid commitment. *pause for thinking and take in his shocked expression* ...maybe just get her some nice flowers..."
I went on to cover my ass more by saying "Please don't hate me if my advice falls through, I REALLY don't have experience with this sort of thing. Just remember that your relationship has to go both ways, it's no use if you love her and she doesn't have feelings for you any more. If that is what's happening maybe you should find another girlfriend. Everyone has a right partner, fate will lead you to her. Just go with the flow."
I really did want to say "I don't know" before sending him away. I would have too if he hadn't just spilled his broken heart all over my desk. Still, let me know if what I said to the guy was at all useful, right or wrong please... perhaps I could track him down and correct myself before he does something very silly.
Otherwise allow me to say upfront. I love living in my world with easy to fix, trial and error/trouble shoot problems and a distinct lack of wierd relationship issues. Then again, maybe I'm shooting myself in the foot by avoiding situations like this. Can one ever have a relationship without complications? Whatever, I'll deal with those when/if they come around one day.
PS: I'm not going soft, it was very awkward for me to talk about that stuff. Honestly, what would you have done?This is one of the few situations I've been in that I had elements of doubt about afterwards. Hence the post...
