Okay, so everyone knows I don’t like cats. It would be fair to say that I’ve done some pretty mean things to them over the years. The most memorable being my revenge on the fat grey and white cat at a complex I used to live at in
One day I decided to sneak into my car and not wake up or chase the cat off the roof. I quietly put the car into first gear, pushed the clutch right in, turned the key and took off all in one quick movement. I had no idea if the cat had gotten startled and jumped off or if it stayed there but I couldn’t see it in my mirrors… ‘what the heck, let us have some fun’ I say to myself before flooring it and taking two 90 degree bends on my way out of the complex. I was almost there; I had about 20 meters to go before exiting the boom gate and hitting the main roads. Alas, I see Mandla the gate guard running toward me with his hands waving in the air ‘STOP!’ he screams.
Now the moment I had been waiting for, try to look innocent EEbEE… big eyes, questioning yet slightly confused expression… yes, perfect
(Falsetto) ‘Hi Mandla, what’s the matter?’ Mandla is laughing so hard that he uses hand gestures to finish off his sentence which starts ‘Stop! Heeheeee…The cat hahaHAAA, she’s on hehe…(points at roof)’. Excellent! He is completely deceived by my wonderful acting (and quite possibly distracted by the cat clinging onto my roof for dear life) and suspects nothing. I open my door and get out ‘really? A cat? On my car? What’s it doing there?’
(Match point - EEbEE)
There are many who disagree with the concept of revenge. ‘Counter the bad with the good’ they say ‘make piece, not war’ they say, ‘where’s that sack of weed I was hiding from the cops’ they say ‘let’s tie dye our shirts and stop working for the corporate monsters’ they say... Let me tell them what I have to say! Watching that fat feline stumble away from me in a half panicked and drunken motion marked the end of the most satisfying act of revenge I’ve ever had. I know I should feel bad but the revenge, it strikes right to ones core human nature. I had little control over the matter you see, it was pure instinct.
Oh and if you are wondering about the title, I would never actually run a cat over. That’s just cruel (what do you take me for anyway!?). I’d just like for my bumper to smack that cat noggin hard enough to teach it to stay away from me (hmmm, what’s the analogy I’m looking for here. I have it! Picture a water balloon hitting a sumo wrestler and not exploding…in slow motion. The impact is spectacular and both kind of jiggle around for a while but still manage to walk (or roll) away from each other unharmed. So there…