Beware the nut factory

This really got to me:


I bought a pack of peri-peri cashews from a local supermarket yesterday and made the unfortunate mistake of reading the packaging. Here's what it said>>>


"Nestled in the fertile valley of the Langeberg Mountains and refreshed by the waters of the Keisie and Kingna Rivers, lies the idyllic town of Montagu. It is here, in the this abundant green haven, that we've packed the tastiest dried fruits and nuts and brought them to you to enjoy time and again."


While reading that little story my imagination was taken on a journey through these amazing mountains, diving into cool clear mountain streams and... hay wait a sec, did they say "It is here that... we've packed the tastiest dried..."???


I must investigate, why would they say 'packed' when they could use awesome words like harvested, plucked, nurtured... that single word threw me off. So I picked up the packet and examined it more carefully before I noticed the horrific truth. There in font size 2 next to the bar code at the bottom corner of the pack "PRODUCT OF TANZANIA / VIETNAM"!


AHAAAAAAAA!


Deceiving Bastards! You've described the idyllic and pristine location of your FACTORY. The depot in Montagu where all the trucks carrying imported goods (from third world, war stricken, human rights abuser, child labour driven countries...) which arrive for repackaging and distribution in South Africa! An even bigger slap in the face is the fact that they confess they are running an industrial operation in such a naturally beautiful "haven". Why not stick your factory in a designated area within a city? It's rather suspicious... I could go on, instead I suggest printing this label:


"Chugging smoke and pollutants into the fertile valley of the Langeberg Mountains and poisoning the fresh waters of the Keisie and Kingna Rivers, lies our Nut packaging factory. It is here, in the this abundant green haven, that we've decided to build our evil empire by importing the tastiest dried fruits and nuts and selling them to you at ridiculously high prices to fund our weapons of mass destruction project."


So there...

So what’s the deal with donkey and dragon?

I always thought the makers of Shrek went a step too far when they thought it would be a good idea for donkey to get it on with dragon. Reptiles and mammals, eggs and fur, massive and tiny no No NO that will never do. People say all babies are cute but the mutant spawn created by the pairing of a donkey and dragon are most definitely not. Every time I see them I find myself waiting for the scene to end. You may be thinking “Geez EEbEE take it easy, it’s just a fantasy movie getting some laughs. Give it a break!” after listening to my initial rant. Bear with me, there is a point to all of this…

Honestly!?

…and here it is!>>> I honestly think that some things should be left alone and not turned into a cheap love story. The good writers know when to stop; J.R.R. Tolkien for example, didn’t see a need for a Mrs Gollum! So many good stories/episodes/series have been utterly ruined by these canned bean romances.

Harry Potter, I don’t care which girl Harry hooks up with and how they struggle to admit they love each other because they are young and innocent… just friggin point your wand at random shit and say funny made up words that make them spontaneously combust. Okay, that isn’t a riveting plot but it would sure as hell make for more interesting reading than Harry blushing and running away every time he sees a girl he likes!

The Big Bang Theory was the biggest let down. Here was a show that got laughs the clever way in season 1 and half of season 2. After that it just became a soapy about tactics nerds use to get laid. Currently I would estimate that around 95 percent of the humour is the same old “…that’s what she said” crap you can find on Hanging with Mr Cooper. They even found Sheldon Cooper a ‘girlfriend’! WTF! He was the only reason I still watched the show and now he too has a cheap, meaningless and humorless relationship with a secondary character.

House and Cuddy should never have hooked up in the first place. The episodes they are together are too wet to be classified as part of the series. For the first time since the series began, Wilson was funnier than House! Save the background love story for Dr Chase (sp?) isn’t that what the guy is for?

(I could easily go on but each new example urges me to delete everything on my hard drive.)

Seeing as I consider myself a fair guy, I will now dispense advice on how to rectify the cheap love story disease plaguing television of today (only assholes complain all the time without suggesting a solution).>>> I realise that writers are put under tremendous pressure to produce shows that are interesting, original, funny… and that after 15 episodes their imaginations are exhausted. Instead of turning towards the path of soppyness I implore them to watch some Japanese anime. There is something about those manga/anime dudes, they have the formula for a great show. Just the right proportions of humour, violence…romance to keep you glued to the show. I’m not one for soppy love stories (would you have guessed?) but anime has showed me that there is a time and a place for everything. Aweful, uninspired writers should get off their lazy arses and stop taking advantage of loyal fans. They should learn how to keep ratings up by providing good quality shows as opposed to milking inappropriate themes and getting away with it because walkover fans simply want to get their weekly fix of series X for routine sake. Screw that!

This chicken licken ad had me in stitches

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdhiQs29zgs

The most fun I had today

Ever had one of those days where the most fun you've had was watching all the red bars on your de fragmenting hard drive turn blue?

I'm having one of those days right now. I've been endlessly working on my theses, correct here, edit there, cut out here, paste there, type here, delete that, find references for this... AAARGH!!! It's so monotonous that I look forward to any break or possible escape from the hellish cycle. I found some relief staring at my defrag for around 5 minutes before realising how desperate I was and watching half an episode of Top Gear to regain some sort of sanity.

Writing up is far from easy, even if you have everything you need in front of you and all you need to do is assemble bits and pieces into one sensible paragraph. If I could just work my way around these mental blockades I could probably finish off the rest of my thesis in two days! Instead I have budgeted two weeks to complete the work.

Wish me luck fellow strugglers/stragglers

People I fail to get along with

I've met so many people who think like this. I usually pick it up after one or two in depth conversations. These people probably never perceive themselves in this way. It's a sad life in which the closest friend they can keep is their own reflection in the mirror. This however, doesn't seem to bother them in the least...

If, perchance, I too fall under this category please tell me so I can perform brain surgery on myself crossing fingers that I will lop off the right portion and become a worthy human being again.

In case you were wondering, this is just a general post aimed at finding out if I am (have become) what I hate. If you think you know who I am leave an honest comment (I can take it !!! *crushes an empty appletiser can onto his forehead*)

Oh my God she is stupider than I ever imagined!

I saw something strange on Google news this morning, let me share.

Below is a picture of some meat. Okay the meat is sort of arranged in a manner that represents an item of clothing. A form of protest perhaps? Animal rights groups bringing awareness to the plight of animal lives we, as humans, so shamelessly exploit.

Think again, this item of ‘clothing’ belongs to someone. It isn’t a museum or exhibition piece either. This person actually wore the meat. I’ll give you one guess...

Yup you guessed it. Lady GAGA!!!

How the hell can she wear something like THAT (look at the hat and boots… *sigh*) and STILL walk around looking smug with that ‘I’m so original and popular’ look on her face!? She defended the meat dress by saying "If we don't stand up for what we believe in, if we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're going to have as many rights as the meat on our bones" (I interpret that as “I’m fighting for my right to be a crazy woman, if sane people have rights so should us crazy lot. VIVA CRAZY VIVA, PHANSI SANITY PHANSI!”). Remember, this is the same woman that said she refused to have sex because her creative juices would be sucked out of her vagina!

Gaga went on to saying something along the lines of “It’s the same as wearing leather…” (and I say “Listen Gaga, it just isn’t… you’re a complete nutter”)